2012 recap

I'm starting with the summary. This is what the entire year has led up to for me. Here is a prayer from the Himalayan Institute to say before entering your sacred space.

Seated at the door of our hearts, Oh Inner Light, you are Adi-guru, the teacher of all previous teachers. Guide me. Guide my conscience. Help me contain your light. Gurunam gurave namaha.

Last blog of 2012. It will have been 350 in a row. 2012 has been a very full year. I've tried numerous times to get something down, so I could at least send out a Holiday letter to friends and family, but so much is inside, and when i've started to write, the fullness I feel inside just feels so empty on the page.

Starting backwards, we did things differently this holiday season, starting with the decision not to go to New York City for Thanksgiving. This was decided pre-Sandy btw. Went to Half Moon Bay for dinner with Lori and Harold, John's sister and husband. John and I got our tree, larger than we usually get, just because it was there. Upon decorating, another change. The lights didn't work. We both thought this impossible because we had so many strands for spares, but nada. No glow. So over the bridge and through the fake snow to Lowe's. I was not prepared to buy new lights. It was a Pandora's box. A can of worms. A chance for a new start. A practice. Yes, a practice. I asked myself, "did i like the multi-colored lights I'd been using for years, or was it just because that's what my family always did, and they are what I had in the Christmas box?" So I decided I was going really see what lights I liked. Maybe I did like the multi-colored. Maybe I liked these weird shapes that look like fake pine cones. I know I liked LEDs. And that's the only thing I knew. So 1 hour later, a husband quickly losing patience and a dog who is being oddly well behaved, we made a decision. Red and White. Let's make a candy cane tree. And throw on the one strand of M and M lights we had that worked.

So we got home, hung the new lights (more challenging for a few different reasons), and then as we pulled out box of ornaments, there were the mulit-colored lights that worked!!! Ahhhhh! Sense of humor anyone? So now I am motivated to get rid of all the stuff that doesn't work and stuff that works fine that i just don't like anymore. Or that I still like, but I don't need and I'm kind of bored of. I know, such a middle class problem, but hey, I take honor the things I own, so they last a long time, and I've been living outside my childhood home for 30 some years. Hence, there is stuff.

As a result, I've been donating, replacing, changing things. Letting go of the "old me" - what i liked, what i identified with, etc... and started investing the "now me." I even bought some new clothes. As much as I don't really like shopping, it was worth it. And yes, I've been the same size for about 30 years, and things don't really wear out, so again, going through and replacing old ideas and images with new. Present moment.

This year, broke patterns by teaching on New Years Eve and New Years Day. Did a theme leading up to tonights Fire Practice and tomorrow will be a practice about Light. That may be the continued theme of a retreat weekend next year at Stillheart (shooting for Labor Day weekend!) on Fire and Light.

And tonight, I will not drink champagne and ring in the New Year. I am committed to changing the trajectory, so I'm saying "not this year" to what most of the country is doing tonight. Instead, we are "ruminating" and setting conscious intention.

This season there were no big parties, no obligatory functions this year. It was also different as the family dynamic shifted dramatically because of my sister's death in June.  It feels odd. The family feels small since there is one less phone call to make on all those holidays.

I have so much to be thankful for. In no particular order - first my friends and family who have been so supportive this year. Thanks for flying in to see the show in November. Thanks for flying in to be with us at Susan's funeral. Thanks for sharing parts of your journey, parts of your self to inspire, comfort, distract, love, whatever. Mom, thanks for coming to some of my yoga classes. And keep practicing that little home program we came up with. Get strong again. If you want to. Mary Beth - way to go taking yourself to Belize for your auspicious birthday on 12/21/12. Patty - way to hang in there and continue to be the best backup singer on the planet. It's tough to not be in the spotlight. Just know that I always see you. And Susan - I know your death was unexpected, yet timely. I understand, and it must feel good to be out of your body for awhile. Enjoy!

Enough of the death stuff. Thank you to all my students who continue to invite me into your lives, be a part of your journey. I am honored that you want to hang out and share the Divinity that we are. Because of you, I am a better teacher, and a better person. I will continue to reflect your light back to you. Know how bright and beautiful you are. I am so honored that I am your yoga teacher, and hope that you are inspired to know the teacher within, your Adi-guru - the light inside that is your true teacher.

And speaking of teachers, I am so appreciative of those who have helped shape me, helped remind of who I really am and what I'm doing here on this earth. Thank you for showing me the light in my own heart, my inner voice of truth, my Adi-guru. To you, I owe you everything. And you know who you are. And if you don't, then look in the mirror and get a clue.

And of course, John and Winston. Thanks for being there and supporting my wackiness, my idealism, my choices, and for the occasional advice on what shoes to wear when we go out to dinner. Because when the big things are handled, it's the little things that make the difference.

So as I wrap up this year, I raise my glass of love to all, and thank you thank you thank you.

So tonight, set your intentions. And I invite you to ask yourself, "What do I like now?" "What is serving me now?" "Who am I now?" I also invite you to join me as we let go of the past, and stand up for ourselves as we dare to be who we are now, not who we were, even though many people may still treat us like the old version of ourselves. Its ok. It's not their fault that they haven't installed the new upgraded software. But we have. Because we wrote it.

2013 here we come!

Hell no!

It's hard to give up hell when you've been told all your life that it exists. Even harder when you've spent your life collecting evidence that it's real.

Again, what evidence are we collecting and why?

Fear motivates.

And if hell doesn't exist, what will happen to Religion?

Just some last minute, year end, end of the world type musings. And then maybe I'm done with hell.

Hell yeah!

Scared of the dark

The thing about being in the dark, going to the dark side, etc... Is that one has to be willing to let go of the darkness. So maybe when we are in the fires of our own hell on earth, we are more afraid of the light, of the letting go, of the permanent change that can happen if we surrender to the fire of transformation. That makes hell a pretty awesome place to be because we are sitting in the fire that can lift us from the darkness. So when we start blaming god for hell, maybe we should thank the creator for putting us exactly where we need to be. Where we even have a fighting chance to move past our pain, our self-ignorance, our darkness.

So what is the fear? In order to move out of the darkness, the pettiness, the negativity, we have to be willing to let go of our justifications, all the reasons that support and prove that we have a right to feel bad. And even better, if i tell my story in just the right way, I can get others to rally to my side of this story, actually supporting me in my justifications.

Letting go of those attachments, reasons, justifications, that is surrender. Surrender is not giving up. Surrender is being ready and willing to let go of all that binds us to our darkness. Surrender into transformation.

So thank you Darkness, for showing me the Light, and thank you Light for giving me the hand to grab as I pull myself out even where I'm scared to let go.

Tis the season

Les Miserables? Released on Christmas? To be jolly? Well hell, we can all use a good cry now and then. A chance to dig deep inside and release uncried tears that are still lurking about, rearing their ugly heads as they sneak around the unconscious mind.

Tears can be beautiful, when we aren't taking them personally. Some have said that rain is angel tears. So snow would be crystallized angel tears- each beautiful and unique. Like a wish.

So it's the holidays. Laugh til you cry. Cry for joy. Cry to be heard. Cry just because. Cry because you couldn't before.

And while crying, consciously endow those tears as released pain, weight, guilt, karma, congestion, obstacles, thought forms, or even liquid snot.

So, party on. Cleanse the palate of the soul so we can start on the next course. 2013.

a date to create

I had a talk with my spectacular friend, vichara partner, yogini, and blogger, Sarla Nichols (http://yogatoendaddiction.com )

when shit hits the fan, the question to ask is,"What is the most creative thing I can do right now?"

Do that.  And if you are constantly creating, then so be it.

Jiggle my niggles

One thing I have learned is that people will not change to make your life easier. And that's not a bad thing, cuz without them, it would be easier to avoid some of those little niggly, or not so niggly, aspects of how we relate to ourselves and the world, and those little nigglies would keep niggling until we made all of our decisions based on their survival.

So thanks to all those who jiggle my nigglies. It may not be fun in the moment, but I'm a better, bigger person for it. So instead of me wasting my energy trying to coerce someone into changing, I can weight options and choose the option that will best serve me. Sometimes the choice is not so obvious, but keep choosing, and at some point you will enough information to know.

And to all a good night

Hope your day was full of love, kindled by your unique and perfect flame. 7 days until 2013. Can we keep the light on for ourselves?

The Eve of Our Savior

Our Savior.

Well, yes, Jesus would most likely be the first name that came into your mind even if you aren't Christian, cuz, well, it's out there. But as we know, Saviors can come in all shapes and sizes, so will the REAL savior please stand up???

that would be YOU! You are your own Savior. And it's not blasphemy because 1) it's true and 2) even Jesus said something like "you will do greater works than I." (So how are we doing with that one?)

Yes, you are the light that you seek.
As my teacher Dennis said numerous times: "it's never outside of yourself."

And then let's look at how we're doing with Jesus' endowment to do greater works than he did. And some would say he knew what he was talking about. Some would say it's gospel, even. So how about for 2013, we consider the ramifications of that statement. And it doesn't matter if you're christian or not, cuz regardless of whether you believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God (but hey, aren't we all?), the dude had it going on, and his thoughts are worth considering.

Merry Eve of You

holiday madness

with all the holiday madness. which i'm using as an excuse, I didnt get the blog posted before midnight. because i was swept up in the delightful madness of possible restaurants to enjoy for christmas. it's really interesting because usually i am that person who does it all at home. the gourmet spread, the sublime pairings., the decadent desserts. but this year i decided to out source -- so where will we end up? at some trendy sf hotspot? some sublime san mateo suburban-haunt?  the drive-in that doesnt exist anymore? Or something new and different so i can't even say what it is because i don't actually know what it is?

whatever it is, i'm sure it will be awesome, cuz that's how we roll here at chez mazzei. but in the meantime, let's keep playing and rolling the dice and see what the universe has in mind. i'll bet it's even better that what i could have come up with.

and for now-
merry eve of the eve

looks like we made it

nothing like another Barry Manilow song to put the icing on the cake of your day.
We made it.
The question is - how did we make it?

did we make it from scratch? In other words, did we make it from the most raw ingredients we could find, and create our masterpiece from there?

Did we microwave it? Looking at a picture of what we want it to taste like and mindlessly nuking it into something warm enough to eat?

Did we make it up?

Did we make out?

Did we make our day? Or yours? Or mine?

Regardless, if you are reading this, you made it through another day, another era, another something.
Congratulations!!!

Now what?

Looks like we'll make it what we make of it.

blessings to all and to all a good night

#barrymanilow
#makingit
#tonukeornottonuke?

Noah's Ark

What if the rain is just the beginning?

End of the world

December 21, 2012. The end of the Mayan calendar. Was it calculated? Did they run out of writing materials? Were they predicting it based on their current consumption of natural resources, life expectancy, disease, crop failure due to global warming?

I remember as a kid, even though it was just last year, how far away it seemed. For people of my age group, it seemed like, yeah, we'd all be practically dead anyway, so the whole end of the world thing was plausible. I believe one of my sister's, who is in Belize right now, doing the Mayan thing (her birthday is tomorrow) locked into this idea and lived her life as fully as possible. Risking all for whatever moment there was. Losing it all. Winning big. The whole thing. Her life could be a movie.

And just as that date loomed throughout her life, affecting her choices, decisions, etc... I think that for many of us, it has subconsciously been at play as well. And now that day is here. Tomorrow. From where I sit, 3 hrs actually. My husband confirmed that his friends from Australia are still alive, so it seems we are in the clear. But are we? Doesn't everything center around California and the Pacific Time Zone?

Let's just say for a moment, that things would evaporate at midnight. Did we live the lives we wanted? What didn't we do that we wanted to do, because "work" and "real life" got in the way? Just like some people who get the scare that they might have a terminal disease, we have the opportunity to take a good hard look at our choices. If I were to die, what would i regret not doing? What choice do I wish I made instead of the one I actually made? Would I be happy I ate one more salad? For some, the answer would be a resounding YES! For others, a definite no. Just pointing out that there are no rules here. Our relationship with ourself and our life - well, it's personal to us and there is only one set of rules that apply: your inner voice of truth.

So let's look at the end of the world, not as an end to our physical existence, but as an end to the world as we know it. And know that the world as we know can end in a heartbeat (or from a lack of a heartbeat), but each day, each moment, we have the opportunity to have the end of the world, and make a new world.

A brave new world? Huxley got it right with the title, that's for sure.

Make your own brave, new world. Or whatever it is that you want. and remember - tomorrow never comes. So from that point of view, the end of the world won't come tomorrow...

But seriously, choose joy. Choose fulfillment. Choose whatever it is that makes your butter melt.

#theendoftheworld
#meltmybutter

Side 1, Side 2, rinse and repeat;

Many of you readers have taken yoga class from me over the years. Even 10 years ago, one of the favorite places in the class was the standing meditation - where you got to "close eyes, stand and feel."

If you are taking with me these days, you know this "close eyes, stand, feel (now called CSF by some)" is an even bigger part of the sequencing.  There are many reasons: the body gets to experience it's own asymmetry which then supports and accelerates the bodies balancing and healing process. Even just standing, we feel the body seek balance. Without us doing anything, we come back into a sense of balance. That affirms our body's intelligence and it's natural instinct to move towards balance and health.

It also is a great way to start getting in touch with the prana, the subtle body, the non-physical part of You. It's tangible. You feel it without question and in doing so, you prove your greater existence to yourself.

Another way to look at it is to experience pairs of opposites. According to Yoga Sutra 2:48, the effect of asana (yoga postures) practice, is that pairs of opposites cease to have impact. By knowing each side, we know we are not each side, and we start to find the place where there is no side, just center.

It also gives us a chance to experience and explore what is on those sides. In life, we are often oscillating back and forth between two poles: positive/negative, right/wrong, good/bad, you/me, etc... What can happen when we move so rapidly between sides is that they start to blur together, like frames in a film. When that happens, we may not learn to discriminate which is which. Starting with the most basic - what is pleasure, what is pain? In households where there is a lot of oscillation, activity, without times for rest and reflection, we may not learn what is the source of true pleasure (unity, peace, etc...) and the source of true pain (separation, judgement, etc...). They just blur into the same thing. And in an environment where stimulation is constant, and there are no places for moments of rest and reflect, all of life becomes one big gray blur, where we can't even see the colors, discern the flavors, experience what relationships are healthy, and which are hurtful. Instead of life being a learning ground, where we gather information about how things work and the effects they have on us and the world around us, we just keep moving, unable to learn a thing. Using all of our discernment power to just "get through the day." To just survive, instead of thrive. As we keep up this rapid rate of oscillation, we end up lumping our generic feeling into a big cloud we might call malaise, anxiety, ungrounded-ness, or even depression.

So when we go from side to side in a yoga class without a moment to check in, we don't give our bodies or ourselves a chance to experience what one side was all about. The cool thing is, when we do take a few CSFs, we get a side by side "taste and compare" right away. We do one side then the opposite side. Then assimilate that. The proof is in the pudding. I see huge changes in students at a relatively rapid rate. Once a student tastes the pairs of opposites in their own body, it opens doors to an understanding that goes beyond the physical. We begin to ask "how did that make me feel?" and "do i like that feeling?" "do i like the immediate effect, the effect after a few hours, the effect the next day?"

it's interesting that today the food world is very big into food/wine pairing, dishes done "two ways," and tasting menus. So we can taste and compare. Perhaps we enjoy these culinary moments, not only for the food, but for the experience of being able to experience both sides, collecting information to aid our future choices, which will improve our quality of life.

So when you get confused, scattered, can't make a decision, get nervous or fearful, just know that it's probably only one side of the story. So "close eyes, stand, and feel." Dont make anything happen. Just feel. The body/mind starts to seek balance, and maybe that decision will be a little easier. Maybe the picture will become a bit clearer. As the film slows down, you have time to edit out the frames that make you look fat or dorky. Maybe you'll have more insight as to what moves you towards joy, not only for the moment, but the lasting joy that exists in all moments. The joy that exists between the pairs of opposites.

Rest. Reflect. Then respond.

give and take

It's amazing how hanging out with a heartfelt friend can brighten a day! Not that it was dim to begin with, but what it gave me another way of looking at the concept of "give and take."

Sometimes when we give, we get depleted. For many reasons. Bottom line - if we have an expectation of something that needs to happen, we run the risk of depletion every time we give something. That being said, let's continue in the spirit of exploration.

After leaving Deborah's house, (a fellow yogini, musician, and blogger www.deborahcrooks.com) where we had a delightful lunch of root veg soup and little pizzas, I left thinking, "wow, i should hang out with friends more often" and then I got to thinking, "why do i feel this way?"

If everything is a reflection of what's inside of ourselves, sometimes its nice to get an "outside eye," another perspective, fresh ears on a subject, even if the subject is as trivial as how to make a great soup. If she is a reflection of me, and a reflection of a part of myself that I like, I can exchange ideas/energy with myself. Giving and taking. Giving and receiving. Because the cycle needs both actions to form a whole, being in the presence of someone else can make it easier to complete that cycle.

So if we are not finding supreme happiness or inspiration locked in our room, maybe go outside of the box and see what gets reflected back to you. that way the cycle is completed, give take, take give, it doesn't matter what order, because one leads to the other. Enjoying conversation where both parties are sharing and listening - yes both aspects need to be present for the cycle to complete itself - then "give and take" can be energizing and inspiring. It can take us out of our hamster wheel of thought and by giving and taking, we can restore some sense of balance.

So instead of looking at "give and take" as compromise - maybe think of it as a "companion promise" or a "co-promise" where there will be an energy exchange, potentially uplifting, but always beneficial to both.

Litmus test

a litmus test for lightness. excellent!

How do I know I've taken care of myself today in a way that serves the Whole?
1) I am not only tolerant. I actually accept the actions of others and see them as perfect. They are doing their best from their point of view, after all!
2) I am delighted when I hear about the success of others.
3) I see equanimity instead of polarity.
4) If I see polarity, I'm not polarized.
5) I see the world and my place in it as a vehicle to experience, learn, grow.

So when these types of responses to these types of situations start happening, it's time to ask oneself, "What haven't I given myself that i need right now? What part of me is not being true to my Self? What can I do right this moment to give myself what I need so I can be the person I know I am?"

Heavy

It's been feeling a bit thick and heavy lately. And no, I'm not talking waistline, but if the shoe fits... Or should I say belt... And not everyone may be feeling it right now, which is fantastic, because god knows, someone has to be the cheery voice, just like someone has to be the dreary voice. And most likely, we've played both roles.

As the snot has gone from watery and abrasive, to thicker and now just plain sticky, it's as if we can feel a heaviness around our heart settling in our lungs. And please don't jump to conclusions about "why" it's happening, and what is causing this heaviness. Sometimes we just feel stuff, whether it's from our conscious past, our unconscious past, or from somewhere else. It doesn't matter. The big question is, can we allow ourselves to be OK with the phases of life, and not take them personally? It's our relationship to the heaviness, to the congestion, to the metaphors...

We can attribute this feeling to many things:
We just had 12/12/12
or not
The end of the world is coming
or not (you can put one of these after each item on the list - or not!)
it's the holidays
it's raining
family stuff
anticipation
excitement
fear
sadness
unrequited dreams
unmet expectations
lots of thought forms out there

yes. all excellent reasons.
But ultimately the real reason is that we love.

And sometimes, as we build our capacity to love more than we did before, there are moments that may feel heavy and thick.

So if snot is really uncried tears, then let us cry for all of it because we are all of it. Heavy, light, happy, sad, scared, fearless, etc... and let us cry to lift the snot off of our hearts so we can find the light inside the cave of the heart. the light that knows no sorrow. That is the best decongestant ever.

Bedtime story

You want to hear a story?

Listen. 

They are everywhere.

The game is deciphering the story from the truth. 

And what's cool about that, is that it shows how we determine what we think "true" is, whether it's based on our story, or our rebellion against a story, or our desire to re-write a few chapters, or desire to remain anonymous.

So what's your bedtime story? How did it work out with the big bad wold today? Does the evil stepmother still have you freaking out with guilt? How's that ever important grudge coming along? Does your story include some things that really make sense on a happiness scale?

so here's my story:

I am that I am

that's my story and i'm sticking to it. 

until i don't and a new story emerges.

And here is an interesting question. What if we stopped using pronouns like mine, hers, his, yours, ours, theirs? 

it would be interesting to see how the story would change.

Friends

Today I received my first holiday card. It was from a dear friend and her 7th grade daughter, and their photo on the card was one of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. I was overcome with emotion. They looked radiant. Authentic. Alive. Ruth's husband had died earlier than year.

This reminded me of a friend who's sister died a week after her 45th birthday. What do we know about this sudden death? I know she had been on a high on life phase for about six months. I know that she had been talking to her mom, very much upset and fearful about the future. I know that minutes later she had crashed into the side of a cement wall off the freeway.

Was it an accident? Was it deliberate? Was it the divine saying "you've suffered enough, come home?" We won't know and it's not even that important to know. What I think is more important, is to choose joy, find joy, remind ourselves of the miracle of life on earth. To appreciate what is given, surrender what is "taken" and remember that life on earth is a transient thing.

And yes, that "friend" was me.

City of Gems

It was Manipura chakra week in our countdown to New Year's.

Mani = gems, riches, wealth etc..
Pura - City

This chakra is the fire element - agni. As we cultivate that fire, we develop the strength and will that helps us move from where we are to the person we know we are. The person underneath it all that has been shining in spite of dust, programming, wet blankets, heartache, disappointment, fatigue, loss, etc...
That being who has that sumpin sumpin going on. The light behind the eyes. The one that can be the candle in the wind, in the dark, in the cold, in spite of the hand he/she is dealt, that day, or even that lifetime.

We all have it. We all can have what it takes.  Are you ready to actually experience the power of You? the light of You? The abundance that you Are? And, are we willing to do a little fire building to access the wealth, abundance, power, gems within?

Choices.
Choose your Self.
Oh yeah, it's on the menu. and it's rich!

Drained

Roto Rooter for my brain
and away goes trouble
down the drain
Roto Rooter

I made a note to self (small s intentional) to avoid writing about snot again. Well, here it is.

Since the weekend I've been on the edge of something. Something like a cold or flu. It's been presenting with the itch of allergies and the sore throat of swollen glands. And the snot. Oy vey! Today in snot gate 2012 on the 12th, snot is reduced and nose is pretty clear.so far. But the point of this isn't the physical symptomology. It's how I feel.

I feel drained. Empty. Yet the mind churns on. And when it comes to blogging or doing anything that requires a sharp mental capacity, it's like I've run out of gas.

I'm thinking its the big purge before the khumba mela. Or the cleansing before the end of the world in 12/21/12. Or a simple cold. But whatever it is, the effect is fascinating. After all the snot, the drainage, that's how I feel. Drained.

The answer to that? Omg there are many!
1. Throw a pity party
2. Enjoy it
3. Write a blog about it
4. Try out a bunch of new herbal remedies
5. Observe it
6. Study it
7, draw conclusions
8. Or not
9. Move on
10. Or something else

What I do know, is that by the end if the day, it's been hard to get words on the page, which is why I'm writing now. Before I empty more of me.

Righteous

If one becomes "righteous", there must be a "wrong-teous" so maybe instead of being righteous, we can go for "equal-teous."
equal to
middle line
center
We can get trapped in our own sense of fairness and what is "right." When we realize that we are the only person in the country of us, and that each country has it's own set of rules, customs, traditions, and beliefs, things will feel a lot less "important." Then maybe we'll lighten up enough and stop trying to conquer all the countries, instead learning from them by seeing things from their point of view. And if we don't like what we see, be thankful that they are doing it instead of you. They are handling that set of beliefs so you don't have to.

Soft landings

Ah life. And what a fun and fickle stitch you are! Unless I'm not in the mood to play. And then I might as well surrender to the fall. The softness of surrender that might cushion the blow, making it easier to get back up and do it again.

Tonight, however, I'm definitely in the mood to play. And I really enjoy the game.

Game on. Gloves off. And sweet surrender, I await your cushion when I fall.

understanding

The wealth we have inside of our Selves is infinite. When we start to put our attention and invest our energy in cultivating it, eventually we understand the rewards we reap every day. Until we understand those rewards, life is just life, to be interpreted based on old patterns, experiences, and points of view - all of which are based in the past. 

The same old life will look different from different angles. So different, that you may think it's a completely different life. Think about the elephant metaphor - if you focus on the tail, it's completely different than the foot, ear, or underbelly. 

Understanding the rewards we reap is great wealth. It's acknowledging what's already there, how abundant and rich we really are.

Deep sleep

Yoga Nidra chanting and chai today.
Awesome.
And sometimes that's all that needs to be said.

So in the worlds (typo intentional) of Steven Tyler, "Dream on..."

Yoga check

Remembering that yoga is the practice that takes you the state of yoga (union), when doing yoga postures, if you feel the need to squirm, you haven't found the pose. In other words, it's still not union (yoga). When you can hold still and steady in a pose, without feeling the need to grip or lock it down or add effort to burn more calories, then you are mastering yoga to bring you closer to that state of "there". Of union.
Yoga.

Done Waiting

So, 45 hours later, data migration complete. Maybe them thar birds hit some bumpy weather. Regardless, I can access all my old crap again.

Just goes to show, no matter where you go, all your stuff goes with you. So no matter where it's stored, you're the only one who can really clean it out and let it go.

One weird thing though. I have a ton of contacts in my address book from earlier days. I had about 2000 and I've deleted about 700 of them. So, as i'm deleting from my iPhone, i'm thinking, wouldn't it be great to start over? and guess what? Magically I only have 203 contacts on there now. Weird. And kinda cool. Except for the fact that I didn't get to pick which 203...

Good thing my computer has all the old stuff...

:-)

Waiting

Waiting. How long can I go without using my actual computer? Yes, I've been on iPhone as computer for over 24 hours now. I thought that the data migration between 2 computers would be done by now. Apparently there are still 27 hours to go. Problem? Not really except that we can't get online due to network bandwidth in order to print out an important document to fax to IRS. So, after 29 hrs, do I pull the plug, drive to the apple store to get a thunderbolt adaptor and start over?

Waiting.

Can she bake a cherry pie?

Probably Billy Boy, but she had rhubarb, so she baked a rhubarb pie.

I got home tonight and baked a pie. Life gave me rhubarb, so that's what I did. Life also gave me lemons, so I wouldn't be thirsty, and lettuce and green beans, and carrots, and roses. And out of those I did not make mashed potatoes. For obvious reasons.

Life has also given me other things and out of those things I made new things.

Life gave me injustice. I learned how to stop taking things personally.
Life gave me disappointment. I learned how to stop judging.
Life gave me heartache. I learned how to let go.
Life gave me loneliness. I learned how to love myself.
Life gave me failure. I learned non-attachment.
Life gave me success. I learned how to not take myself so seriously.
Life gave me love. I learned how to share.
Life gave me all that I've asked for. I learned how to pay attention to what I ask for.
Life gave me life. I learned how to appreciate.

And eat pie.

beyond awesome-na

Finding that place where asana becomes meditation is pure delight. For me. It's where I get to know my self and my Self. It's where my Selves begin to talk with each other, get to know each other.

Others are digging it too. As we discover more of who we really are, the global point of view gets bigger. As the global point of view opens, there are more possibilities, more room for growth and expansion. When we allow ourselves to breathe, expand, grow, we build our capacity to truly love. And unconditionally love. As our worldview expands, we see less of the little S self, the "i" the "me" and we experience more of the Whole. Not just intellectually, but really experiencing Self as Wholeness.

It's beyond Awesome-na. It's yoga.

10,000 strong

Just want to be clear about yesterday's post. I didn't get 10,000 pageviews in 1 day. The number was cumulative. Like the 100th caller.

Like 10,000 hours.

Something about 10,000. 10,000 hours to mastery. After 10,000 hours of practice, there is a level of proficiency that some call mastery. We've all put 10,000 hours in on something. Is it something we wanted to get very good at, or is it something we wish we would stop doing. Like complaining. Being poor. Being fat. Taking things personally.

10,000 hours. Think about it. And start now cuz it's just a matter of time...

Cray-Cray

it's crazy that  I have had 10,000 plus total page views today. Especially since i only have 12 followers, and yes, don't think i don't notice ms Christine! Today I was assisted Yogarupa Rod Stryker at his weekend workshop on the Gunas. It was awesome. As is all of the amazingness of "yoga" or whatever you want to call it.

There was a time when "yoga" was a cool word. Then it became a hip word. then it became an everyday word. then it became a non-word.

But that's a whole other discussion.

the crazy (aka cray-cray) thing is that this thing called "yoga" is/has been around for  a long long time and that the whole idea is that the goal is to go for "union" whatever that means. and what i know that  one aspect of what that means is that I read the other night in a book (yes, i actually read...) and it said something to the effect that without yoga, religion is a thing of the ego. Without union (yoga), religion is just another way to make yourself feel greater than or less than.

i'm not going to talk more about that, but if you are interested in my point of view, please comment, and i'll be more than happy to expound. Otherwise, I'm happy to sit back and say nothing. Cuz seriously, if it matters, awesome, and if it doesn't, awesome. and thanks so much for even reading this blog! I mean it.

and the 10,000 page views. Well, that rocks for me. Thanks so much for hanging through the cactus chronicles and the alignment rants. YOU rock for being there to rock my world. And for reflecting back to me the part of me that cares about what i have to say.

Amen.

And rock on.

Need a hug?

Embrace the un-embraceable.
Embrace the un-embraceable you.

Dedicating this classic jazz standard from my little s self to my big S Self:
"Embrace me You Un-embraceable You!"

See no evil?

How we see ourselves is how we see the world. If we want to see what we really think of ourselves, we can look to how we see and interpret the world around us.

Laughter

Ho Ho Ho. Ha Ha Ha. that's all i've got to say to you (sing this like Sting)

Laughing.

It works.

From a technical point of view, it works the naval center, the home of the 3rd chakra - the element of fire. The fire that transforms. So yes, we long to laugh to pull us out of our darkness and literally into the light. And there's the physiological aspect that 80% or so of our serotonin, the "feel good" hormone,  is made in the guts, so laughing helps stimulate that area, hence, helping out that area in case our serotonin is out of balance. And by working the naval center, it helps us digest and assimilate our food, our life's experiences. So laughing during and after meals could help with digestion perhaps. Test it out and get back to me. I know I always feel better after a jolly meal.

So naval center, yes, but laughing also stimulates the heart and lungs - the seat of the "pran" vayu. Pran is the force that is in charge of rejuvenation, and is what we crave when we are depleted. We get it through food, we try and get more of it by shopping, and also laughing. Who doesn't feel re-newed, revived after a good laugh? 

And then there's the throat chakra. That vibration from the sound helps us open that aspect of us that is our truth. We start to open the area where we speak our truth from. Where we start to even learn what our truth is. Where we find our authentic voice.

So yes, laughter is fantastic medicine. This is one reason I am not afraid to use laughter as a methodology for "lightening up." 

Try it. See if you can get a really good laugh in at least once a day and see what happens. At the very least, your abs will get a good workout. It may take some doing in order to pull this off, but hey, why not find something to help you find that laughter muscle, even if it's you laughing at/with yourself. And yeah, sometimes laughter can lead to tears, but that can also feel good when needed.

I just watched SNL Christmas special. And it was special. I laughed so hard at some of that stuff that Winston kept looking at me funny. Funny. Yes.

Ho Ho Ho

disclaimer: The results of this study were tested only on the author. Try at your own risk, preferably without adult supervision.

Taking care

I heard this at the dentist's office: if you ignore your teeth, they'll go away. Or something like that. I thought it was hilarious.

Some things we ignore, they go away, like pesky, attention seeking things. Others we ignore, and they fester, until one day they blow up in a dramatic manner large enough to get your attention. And some things we ignore, resolve themselves.

The trick is discerning which is which.

Cleaning

Cleaning. How important is it? Think about it. This is a great time of year to clean. Get the house ready for guests. Our with the old, in with the new. And someone's got to clean up after a busy day of baking! Not to mention the non-physical aspect of cleaning. We "clean up our acts" trying to be a little nicer, a litte more honest, to listen a little better. We clean out the skeletons in our psychic closets so we can hang with family without having to go to the looney bin afterwards.

But where does it end? There's nothing like a good scrub down, that's for sure. Last Sunday I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed our floors. It may sound archaic, but that's how my momma taught me, and it still cleans the most thoroughly. And another thing she taught me, is that there will always be something else to clean. always. But when does a healthy dose of cleaning turn into a distraction or an excuse for taking care of other needs or following other paths of fulfillment? i was raised on the premise that I couldn't have fun, or do something for myself (aka listen to my inner voice) until all the work was done. It didn't take too long to figure our that the work would never be done. Now a big realization like that could have set me free. Since there would always be something on the cleaning list, why not take a few minutes or even a decadent hour to do something that wasn't cleaning? Something less calculated? Something more in the present moment? Something that might even be messy? hmmmm. Make a mess of my own to clean up. Since ill be cleaning anyway..

Cleaning. I do love a clean house, but is that preference an attachment that keeps me in a state if fear that if it gets messy, i'll have to clean again? Not to worry. Cuz there will always be something left to clean.

Ownership

What's up with the whole Facebook copyright thing? Of course everything we post on Facebook can be used however, whenever, by whomever. That's part of the whole Facebook, social media, YouTube, GarageBand culture. Write something pithy. Get discovered. Make a movie that is so cute or gross or poignant that everybody shares it. Write your song and have people hear it and share it. If anyone actually thinks that anything they do or say on Facebook can be copyrighted by just declaring it, on facebook none the less, well frankly, it baffles me. It's a public site and lest we forget, it's on the Internet! The place where the whole copyright thing is still being worked out. So yeah, share or don't share, but don't go crying if someone shares what you post. And remember, what might get shared might not be your most flattering work.

And if anyone is really serious about copyrighting, there is a government agency with a fee, a form, and an address.

And then there's the unmentionable. What if nobody cares? Then what? Isnt one of the attractive things about facebook is that 5 minutes of fame thing? a place where everyone can be seen, heard, known, famous. this fear around ideas being stolen, credit being taken, this "thing" that will be unfairly taken from you, this thing that makes us paranoid. What is that any but our asmita, aka "I-ness" aka ego. And the ego wants others to care. It wants to be recognized. So in a way, this copyright scare is just another attachment to our egos that we need to protect, that we need to fear we will lose.

And Did we forget its just effin Facebook? Just shows how a little idea can grow into a thought construct dense enough to make a form, and how the more thoughts around/about it, the more it grows into its own body, it's own entity. Have we created a monster? Or is it just a game. No global right answer. It's as important as we make it, because whatever we give our truth to, is our truth.

Candy cane tree

We shook it up this year. Got a little bigger tree. Threw out the lights that haven't worked in years. Thinking we had no lights, went to lowes to buy some. So, a chance to do something different. It was an interesting exercise. I kept going back and forth- did I like the multicolored lights because that's what I've always had, or maybe get a single color? Was it a habit, or were they truly a preference? We looked at other shapes, colors, what did we want? Way too much time in there with this decision. But ultimately it wasn't about the lights. It was about being willing to stay the same and being wiling to change, and most of all, being willing to ask the question, "who am I now, and what is it that this me wants- not the me growing up, or the me that uses what I have, because its there and I don't want to get something new when what I have is perfectly good- landfills and all.

We have to be willing to take the time to do something different. Sometimes it takes more time because we may need to examine our preferences/habits to see what our current relationship to them is. And ultimately decide and go with it.

So this year, we got red and white lights and we made a candy cane tree. Do I love it? I don't know and it doesn't matter, but I do love the Whole and all that comes wir it. So here it is- candy cane tree 2012. Perfect for this moment.

Fest after. Feast

The cool thing about being one of the privileged, is that when our bellies are full to beyond capacity, we can finally start to look outside of our own realities and say, yeah- my life is pretty damn awesome, and I realize that I can sit in that reality or move past into considering others that don't live as I do. So, digest away. What new thing is there to say.

So thank you. All of you. And lets keep living and believing.

Thankful list

what i am thankful for:
All my teachers
All my students
The fact that there is no difference between teacher and student
My blood relatives
My family- blood and not blood
Blood
The cuteness factor
My desire and willingness to see and accept miracles
The ability to taste and enjoy food
My functioning body
My choices and the freedom to make them
Friends
Nature
Age
Experiences
Planned and random smiles
Reasonable-ness
Wild ideas
The center line
Dreams
Money
Patience
Gratitude
Physical home
Spiritual home
The light that resides in all

What I'm not thankful for:
Nothing

Gratitude Eve

Time for the attitude of gratitude. Funny that gratitude is now a word tossed lightly with a side of heavenly new age hipsters. But hey, throw me into the pool cuz I'm feelin the vibe of the big G. In spite of the fact that I shudder at the sound of the word, I revel in the feeling. Gratitude rocks.

It's something that can be, from the outside, faked, but from the inside, faking gratitude can lead to more frustration and irritation, jealously and entitlement. From the inside, when gratitude starts to sprout, it can lead to unearthly periods of non-attachment, calm, and seeing the beauty in the ugly. So celebrate the beauty, the ugly, the whole salami of what life has on the menu, and the cool thing is, it's all made to order. You will never be served the menu of me, and I will never be served the menu of you, and if in fact it looks like the waiter got our orders wrong, we can read the fine print and be grateful that we got what we were served, because that's exactly what we were born to eat.

So my compliments to the Chef. The ultimate top chef.

Another blip in blogland

So I had this 3 or 4 part blog written out and published part of it yesterday. I felt that it was inspired and I was really excited about it. I didn't publish the whole thing because there were a few parts I wanted to re-write, plus, it gave me some stuff to post over the next couple of days. But alas - the draft that contained the whole "human" blog is gone. Just the part I published, and some of the last paragraph.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I need to be more in the present moment, and less "prepared?" Perhaps I need to be more careful and make sure I put a copy in my notes or something? Perhaps it means i shouldn't update my phone because for some reason, the blog wasn't "saving" the way it usually did. Or perhaps it means I should just let it go and trust that if I'm supposed to talk about what was so goddamned important, I will, at a different time.

I choose the last option.

Maybe my computer (or to be more accurate, my iPhone) is using the excuse "Hey, I'm only human."
Hal...

Only human - part 1

We say we're " only human" and yes that's true. But is it an excuse for staying stuck in patterns that keep us entrenched in the misery of suffering? " he hurt my feelings" "they ripped me off" "I didn't get what I deserve" These are just a few of the justifications that usually come up when we need an excuse to dwell in our habit of hanging on to pain, holding a grudge, gossiping, judging another persons behavior. Ah yes, it's so much easier to point a finger, to make our pain contingent on the actions of others or the circumstances in our lives, to hold a grudge, to blame. Then we can take ourselves and wrap ourselves in negativity and stay there for as long as we goddamn like. And yes, we are only human.

But what about "human" do we love? The fact that we are the only species that has the capacity to consciously evolve ourselves. Free will. We can actually decide that we don't want to stay stuck in the merry-go-round of being run by our past. That we can choose to invest our energy in something other than blaming a situation or a person. Every time we say"I couldn't help it" or "what did you expect me to do, I'm only human" or "I always act/feel like this when..., we are choosing to stay where we are in the karmic continuum.

Stay tuned for part 2...

Home for the Holidays

There is something so innocent and delightful about watching my dog delight in "digging" around on the big white fleecy blanket that is on the sofa. He loves that thing. And yes, it's a pretty awesome blanket. I wonder if it's because when he's on it, it's like he's camouflaged, so he feels invisible and safe. Or maybe it's the texture. Or the smell. Whatever it is, he feels at home when he's there.

We all have things, places, people, smells, that make us feel "at home." But what home is it really? Is it the home of our essential nature? The home we were raised in? The idea of what we wanted home to be like?

Do we feel more "at home" with our habits? Or more "at home" with our voice of truth? When our habits are running the show, we make our decisions based on keeping those habits in play. We make decisions to support and justify our habits to keep us closer to the things we like and farther from the things we don't like. The more we do that, the more entrenched in those habits we become, and the harder it may be to step out of the box we have created for ourselves. How does this play out? Let's take a generic example. Let's just say that in college I used to eat a hot fudge sundae, watch TV and the get drunk every Friday night. On Saturday, I'd eat a greasy breakfast and then work out, then get ready to go out and party again. That was college. It's ten, twenty, years later. Am I doing the same thing, just a different geographical location? Or maybe it's not a hot fudge sundae, but I go out for a special dinner. Maybe I'm not getting drunk, but I'm "enjoying a large amount of wine" while watching a movie. And maybe the next day, well, it's still a greasy breakfast, but perhaps the "healthy" version of this. 

Those habits, aka tendencies, and in yoga, we call them "vasanas," keep trying to re-create the feeling of the first time. The time when that hot fudge sundae and first college party felt liberating and the breakfast the next day was a time of bonding with new found friends. Those impressions, aka "samskaras," leave us with wanting what made us happy in the moment. But the moment is gone. Immediately. But the memory lingers on. 

In a relationship, you know the one that you were still in way past it's expiration date? That was the vasana/samskara cycle in action. We kept hoping that the relationship would make us feel the way it did  when we knew we were in the arms of our "true love." But time marches on, and sometimes the beat changes, and we lose step of our growth, and out of fear, or habit, or both, we consciously or unconsciously cling to the past.

Why this preaching? Just a little context. It's the holidays. We will be with family, and what better place to watch these habits play out. What happens if this year, we change the game. We deliberately react differently to the same old patterns that repeat themselves every year. What if this is the year we actually decide to either keep quiet, or stop agreeing with the judgmental and petty comments that Great Aunt Whoever makes. We don't need to change Great Aunt Whoever, but we can change what we do with the situation. I'm not saying get on a high horse, I'm just saying, where do you want to invest your energy? Are we making those expected comments that we don't believe in, because we are afraid of being rejected? If so, what evidence do we have that we will actually be rejected? And if we are rejected, is it so bad? What about the little deaths we die every time we lie about who we are. Starting with our Selves. 

That's why getting to know our Selves is so valuable. And it's a process. An ever-changing, ever-evolving process. So we start where we are. And we watch and observe ourselves for awhile. Get to know the game. And when we are ready, we change our role in the game. We change our relationship to the game. And eventually, we change the game itself.

There are no rules except the ones we ourselves impose. So there's no messing up involved. It's just us, using the holidays to figure out a little more where our "home" is. 

And my dog? He's peacefully sleeping, safely camouflaged in the fluffy white blanket. 

Be your own blanket. Tuck yourself in, and rest in the safety of who you really are, and go "home for the holidays."

Another opening

Of another show.
And it was awesome! And it all started at the eye of the hurricane.

A big thanks to those who showed up.

And tomorrow, there will be more balance. More to balance in this ever shifting game of chance, dance and ba-lance. So let's play.

Again.
And again.
and yet again.
Since this is what
we do until we don't.

calm before

In this moment, I sit, a calm before the storm. My mom and my dog are reading in a chair, John has gone to the studio, waiting to pick up more people from the airport. In this few minutes of respite, how do I use it? Clean more? Cook more? Meditate more? Work more?

Well, blogging is one thing... LOL

So i'll enjoy the rain, maybe watch some TV for a few minutes, or just sit on the couch. And drink water. Lots of water. Cuz hydration is key.

So the calm before the storm. The big question is, will I be able to find the calm IN the storm? That is the practice. How to stay in that center line, the place of peace, the place that can rest in the midst of total chaos, confusion, challenge, and chatter.

It starts with self love. Boundaries. Keeping the tank full. So when that hill of chaos looks unsurmountable, I know I won't run out of gas. Or patience.

No matter how selfish it seems, cultivating self love and self care is best for everyone. Just ask my family.
:-)

One foot

One foot. In front. Of the other.
Keep going.
Sometimes that's about all we can do.
Or we can sit down.
If the destination is inevitable then at times perhaps sitting to catch one's breath is the answer. At other times,
One foot.
In front.
Of the other.

Hot Hot Hot

Embrace your fire. Embrace your Self. It's time to shine.

There is no safety in playing it safe. So, yeah, play with fire. Yours.

Life is a stage

Said Willy the Shake. What show are we in? Who is the director? What role am I playing? How does it end? Did the butler really do it?

We ask what we think are the important questions, but what do we really want to know? How am I doing? Will I survive? And eventually we may ask "what's the point?"

We're all doing fine.
We are the stars in our own show, co-stars in others, and extras in most.
Big S is the director.
Our physical bodies most likely wont survive.
And if we are asking what the point is, we may be ready to move on to another point of view- indicator of change brewing.
And I'm not telling if the butler did it, cuz that would ruin the story.

Inertia Part 1

We want something. We get it. Or not. Some things come easy, others not so much. We can keep this in mind in regards to our yoga practice, or our New Years Resolutions. Much of the practice that we do, deals with overcoming the resistance, the inertia that stands between us and the goal or desired outcome.

If we are trying to move a piano down the stairs, it’s going to take a lot more preparation and will and determination than it will be to take an iPod down the stairs. In our yoga practice, we keep doing and practicing, and doing and waiting and doing and practicing, and at some point, we think, “When is this going to work?” At some point, if we persist, the piano moves. If we give up, we don’t know if the next push would have moved it. It might be one push away.

Re-entry

It's been awhile since I've felt a strong re-entry state. You know, the one where you feel really altered and when you get back to your old life, the same old same old feels different.

And maybe, the reason why re- entry can be challenging, is because we have actually changed, and our pain in in relationship to our desire to stay the same. The more we want to hang on to what was" the greater the pain. Good news though, know we can clearly see what it is about our life and the choices that " pain" us, and from there, find a way to remove the nervous neti and start embracing self. The self that resides in the heart.

Oh deer!

I was walking up the road this early evening before dinner, and there was a little deer eating. When I walked by, she looked up and stared at me, almost curious. Instead of walking away she resumed eating. After taking a bunch of pictures hoping to catch a bit of the magic, I started back up the road, and within a few feet, was drawn back to the deer, who was now even closer to the road. I squatted down off the road and hung out for awhile, co-existing with the little deer. I thought if I stayed long enough, she might come closer, but another person walked by and the spell was broken.

Oh dear little deer. Thanks for showing me what non-attachment and gentle fearlessness looks like.

Looking for something?

As a student, are you seeking loyalty/acknowledgement to/from your teacher, or are you seeking teachings/techniques to help you on your path?

As a teacher, are you looking for acknowledgement/loyalty from your students, or success in their practice?

Designer Bags

The thought “I’m not worthy” is a crock. When we were born, we were innocent. Worthy. Deserving. What happened? What changed?

Our essential nature comes from a place where worthiness is not even a question. One of the Upanishads says, “From perfection comes perfection” and we came in, for all intents and purposes, perfect. I hear some of you saying, “ but what about birth defects, etc…  How is that perfect?” I’m not going there in this blog. I will gladly do it in another one, and if it’s of particular interest, feel free to let me know.

We are worthy.

At some point, we starting believing others who kept telling us, either by words or the unspoken language of action, that we didn’t deserve what was/is inherently ours. So we collected evidence of “I’m not worthy in a big pouch.” A swollen, bloated, inaccurate pouch. And this pouch came with a bunch of side products: lack of confidence, self doubt, and the thought that “I’m not lovable/loved.”

We were born to live life, but who can really commit to life with these weights of pain and suffering, as well as your basic killjoys and wet blankets taking all the fun out of life. (yes, I’m putting it outside of yourself for the moment, because this is often the state we are in). Yet something deep inside keeps telling us, “no, you must LIVE!” So what do we do? We balance those pouches of less than by creating pouches full of greater than, and “I’m beyond worthy so the world owes me” and other side products like the need to dominate and control, the need to sell ourselves as the “best” by making others wrong or inferior.

Then we carry these pouches around with us. Baggage. Designer baggage. Couture of baggage. One of a kind. Yours. Mine. No ours. No matter how good the baggage looks, its taking up a lot of room inside that mind of ours. Room for fun. And without the baggage there would be room for everyone. 

Shadow

What is a shadow but the place where light doesn't shine through. Light plus my body make the shadow. Is the shadow still me? Part of me? Are we the shadow of the divine? Or are we that which makes our shadow?

Full and Empty

After dinner, I can be simultaneously full and empty. I can be totally full of vegetables, protein, soup, whatever, and my dessert pipe can be totally empty. I still have room for chocolate. Or whatever. How can this be?

As you may know, I’ve been at the Himalayan Institute since Friday, and Pandit Rajmani Tigunait, from now on referred to as Panditji or PRT, began our program on Sunday night. Yesterday was Monday, and by the time the day was over, around 9 pm, I was so full I had no idea what to write. So I talked about teaching. In this seminar, Panditji has been revealing more about his own personal practice in a very intimate and relevant manner. That’s what inspired yesterday’s blog. The little bits that he has shared with me/us over my short time with him have been inspiring and invaluable. Aside from the fact that he’s a Tantric master, the deepest teachings come through the space, the non-verbal, the “just being in the same room with him” type thing.” And even though sometimes he seems to be teaching the same thing over and over, there are always new potent kernels of wisdom, experience, truth, perspective, and techniques that are invaluable.

Like any great teacher, he is comfortable repeating information until his students “get it” enough and are ready to move to the next step. There is no hurry. Just support for the path of each of us.

So why call this blog “full and empty?” Because that’s how I feel. Last night I was so full, I could barely write, and even though I looked through my notes for all the places I jotted down stuff to expound upon (is that even correct word usage?) I found nothing. It’s as if I was so full, my notes were empty. I was so full and I was empty. My cognitive pipe was full, but my head was oddly empty.

This place of empty fullness or full emptiness is one of those amazing states where you are both of the opposites. And when both of the opposites are present, it’s not being about full or empty, it’s about being Whole.

And even though all this talk may sound really cool to some, in this moment I feel like I’m not coming close to expressing any kind of truth, as words are extremely limiting since they carry the weight of interpretation, which can lead to misinterpretation.

So remember, just when you think you know what someone is talking about, take a moment to feel what they are talking about. And listen to your gut. And here I am spinning off in every direction seeing all the ways that chunk can be misinterpreted. Moral of the story – I don’t have one. So I think it’s time to re-visit an earlier blog and follow my own advice – “When in doubt – shut up!” Cuz my writing pipe is full. And my breakfast pipe still has room in it. 

:-) hari om tat sat

To Teach or Not to Teach

Is that the question? Or is the question do I teach what I want to teach or teach what the students expect me to teach?

Often students are curious as to what our asana practice looks like. Some of us teachers have showpiece practices, stuff that is YouTube worthy and gets shared and shared amongst the yoga community. As well it should. It's awesome and inspiring to watch. And then there is the another end of the spectrum. Breathe prana through the body and go. Or use asana as a means to smooth out the pranic flow. Or there's the asana that's the "stand in line at the grocery store pose" or the "foldinglaundransana" - towel variation. So if the teacher has a really glamorous physical practice, of course the student wants to do what that teacher does. What a thrill to be able to do the teacher's practice!

When students ask me about my practice, I don't really talk about it. In my public classes, you get glimpses of concepts that I find interesting, universal and useful. You get glimpses of my journey and how my practice has evolved. You get just enough to hopefully inspire you to want to explore some concepts, poses, attitudes, points of view on your own both on and off the mat, and in the class I teach, as well as in the context of other classes. It's important to try on an idea and see if it works across the board. From yoga mat to boardroom, from another person's class, to cleaning the kitchen.

For the most part, I dilute nothing. On that rare occasion where I'm feeling a bit out of sorts while teaching (less that once a year), it might be because I feel conflict about class content/curriculum. (digging that alliteration? I know I am)(that i am)...  Sometimes I just want to give the methodology that will take a person from pain to less or even no pain, from struggle to ease, from doubt to joy. And sometimes that is not what the class would order off of a menu.

So as teachers, how do we walk that line? We stay true to the concepts we believe. We stay out of judgment. We trust the Wholeness. We have fun and remember our mission statement. We remember why we teach. And we don't dilute our truth, and incorporate it into poses that are useful and beneficial to the students. You can practically use the same poses, and with different themes, concepts, teaching points, make them seem fresh and new, not only for them, but for us, the teacher.

To teach. Yes. Not to teach. Impossible. For if we ever decide to leave the studio or the classroom, our mission, our dharma lives on. And if you dont think this applies to you because you aren't a teacher, guess again. We are all teachers. And again, I thank you for teaching me.

Snow

Snow
it's white
magical
interference
all of the above
yet i love it
not shoveled
but raw
Snow

It snowed today. Hope you enjoy the little snow-em around the number 5.

The "Now What" Factor

So you've been doing your practices, living your life. Life is no longer a burden. You are experiencing the effects of the awakening of kundalini shakti: vitality, agility, flexibility, strength, stamina, inspiration, enthusiasm, motivation, self-trust, self-confidence. But now what? What do we do with our lives when life is no longer a burden? When we have inner peace, contentment? When we want for nothing? When we "have it all?" What happens when we are no longer enticed or driven or motivated by desires?

Sometimes we try to desire more. More things, more projects, more of what got us to the place of peace in the first place. But we are putting off the inevitable. At some point we need to change our paradigm. The paradigm of what our life means. The paradigm of our priorities, projects.

Invest that prana shakti to remember that life is a gift. That what I've been given in this life is a gift.

Communication

Sitting in the Newark airport, the tv is blaring political campaigning. The newscaster was interviewing a dude who was speaking on behalf of one of the parties, and no matter what question she asked, he replied with the same answer. I think this is called "staying on message," which seems to mean, "don't listen, just keep repeating yourself." Or "pretend that she asked you the question you want to answer."

These are supposed to be experts, so what message are we sending? That the only point of view is our own and that it's a sign of weakness to let anyone else have a say? That we are weak if we change our minds (waffler! Flip-flopper!). That actual communication and listening leave us open and vulnerable to attack? Fear rules. So we act from fear.

I say it's a sign of courage to open up to other ways of thinking. To say, yes, I've found a way that works better for me. I think it's a sign of inner strength, and confidence to actually hear a question, and answer the question. To me, It seems weak to be afraid to answer a direct question directly. It stinks the stank of fear. And that stank, like a skunk, is hard to wash off.

Ever since advertisers discovered how powerful and motivating and manipulative fear is, and when entire administrations and platforms became based on how to scare people into voting for you, lest we be subject to and classified as "weak," political campaigning has become nothing more than who can who can beat the other in a stare down. Who will be the one to blink, to let in another point of view, to consider that the best answers may come from true teamwork, not a bunch of quid pro quo hidden agendas that are really not so hidden.

So if its about a playground game, like a stare down, or even more poetically put, "king of the hill," then maybe the candidates should just take it outside into the back alley and duke it out. On their own time and their own dime, and when they've learned to play nice, then they can run for president. Because it seems that no matter how much integrity a candidate has starting out, what wins elections is the back alley, fear and bully method, where the only thing that wins is who listens less and talks louder. And I know we've all been in enough arguments to know how well that works out. Does anything get solved or resolved?

That saddens the idealistic part of me. But I'm not afraid, because I know there is more to the story than politics.

Like Mother Nature. Or even bigger. Mother's Mother. So live with integrity. Dare to be fearless. Dare to find real confidence as opposed to posturing. Dare to listen. And maybe one day, we will become the "experts" and get to model that kind of attitude on tv. But will it sell? We know we've made it when it doesn't matter anymore.

And fear not. Ma has your back.

In the air

If you think about it, everything's up in the air. Will there be enough overhead space for my bag? It's up in the air. The only thing that is not up on the air, is our Self. Our Home. Our internal space. Our relationship to ourselves is not up in the air. It is what it is, whether you like it or not.

Upside, change happens.

Balance

What is balance? How much is enough? How much is too much? Where is the balance?

Balance is constantly changing. We can't "lock in" balance. Because balance is a point on an ever changing continuum called life. Life and experience. As we move, grow, shift, morph, the weight on one side changes. In order to keep balance, we need to move again, grow again, shift again, morph again, finding a new point of balance until the next time. Which is already now.

Part of keeping in balance is learning to be fluid enough with the change factor, without giving up elements that keep us stable. And of course, to be fluid enough to recognize when that which was helping us stay in balance begins to actually throw us out of balance.

So we dance the balance dance. And don't be afraid to fall, because that's part of it too. Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen said "Standing is having learned how to fall in all directions." By falling we learn about opposing forces, counter forces, and how to ride the line between push and shove, light and heavy, good and bad, you and me.

Oh balance, ye fickle bitch! Watch me fall!

Respect

Just when we thought we were in control...

Sandy.

Moral of the story? Take nothing for granted. Everything we have is a gift.

Victory

Nothing like a World Series to bring people together. I'm not a sports fan per say, but I really love watching mastery in action, and the giants played baseball at the master level.

In the spiritual world, and I do understand the church of baseball idea, when aspirants seek to be near the master in order to get in his/her energy field, to receive or be in the presence of darshon, that little sumpin sumpin. That "stuff" that comes from being in the presence of greatness. It inspires, motivates, feeds, nurtures us. It can empower us. It elevates us.

So whether you seek a guru or master, or just plain mastery, it seems like most people want to be near it. And tonight, we feel the city of San Francisco getting their "darshon" on. It's awesome! And hopefully we can channel that energy to elevate our ideas of each other after the party wears off. That's the thing about it- getting a blast of shakti is one thing. Keeping it going is where the real power is. That's one reason why we want souvenirs - to remind us of the awesomeness of mastery, and how we felt in its presence. So shine on!

And btw- I still want one of those orange hoodies!

Are you ready?

Readiness thing-- stay brilliant! Remember who you are! Enjoy more, worry less.

Easier said than done? Well, uh, yeah!!! Worth doing? Well uh yeah!!!!

Digestion

Life. Food. Food. Life. Can we digest it all?

If life is still fun, an adventure, a place where the day before your birthday is exciting and filled with wonder and limitless possibilities, when you can fall down, scrape your knee, feel ok about the groovy scar or the batman bandaid you'll get, then yes, your digestion is probably just fine. You still have the capability to have an experience, digest it, and move on. But when things get too fast, we get too full, life is so rich we can't even taste it (or even don't want to taste it), them yes, it's time for some digestive enzymes.

What do these look like? Meditation, r and r, time to relax, time to regroup. This means finding a real state of relaxation. Not that state of having a still body where the mind is constantly beating up said body about doing more, but a state where both body and mind take a break from all things matter. All things that "matter" (see earlier posts about matter mattering) then take a back seat to things that are non matter.

And tonight, I'm going to just let that hang, so if you have a comment, question, concern, let me know via email or carrier pigeon. And until then, feel how you feel. Is it working for you? Is it time for a change? And would we be able to recognize that change when opportunity strikes?

All elements of good digestion.

So it's a balance, having enough to keep it interesting without having so much it strikes us down.

Digestion. Assimilation. Agni.

Finding yourself

How can we not see who we are? Because at some point we put on glasses to see ourselves as something separate. We talk about finding our roots. Staying true to where we came from. This is much more than a city, a demographic, a socio-economic status. It is about the essence of who we really are. The primordial us. Find those roots. Stay true to those roots. Cuz when we do, the rest of the shit doesn't matter.

Surrender Dorothy!

From yesterday's blog, wrapping our heads around what our hearts already know. Our heads may never be able to wrap around that which our hearts know, due to the "thinking" function. Since that part of our brain, the thinker, is so highly developed, it thinks so strongly that it knows, what is or isn't physically possible. It collects evidence, looks for proof.

Perhaps the element if surrender comes in when we let go of having to "know" from the brain's point of view. When we can allow the brain's point of view, but also allow the heart's point of view.

It's not such a big leap really. For some reason, when we talk about head and heart, head vs. heart, listening to my heart, my heart says, etc..., we all know what we are talking about, even though we all know from biology class that out hearts are organs made of muscle pumping blood to the brain, the place where thinking happens. Yet we all Know of this other Knowing. In spite of biology.

Don't think about it too much. Because we can't talk ourselves out of knowing what we know. Surrender Dorothy! That bigger point of view is already in there! And it's not such a hard concept to grasp because even pre-teens know all about the brain in the heart. Even scientists know that the ideas of genius come from somewhere other than logic. The idea comes, then being the Gods that we are, we figure out how to prove what we know. Some (including me) may venture to say, that we actually create a new reality to back up a new idea. We create something from a seeming nothing. So who is creating the universe? You. God. The Whole. The Same.

Surrender Dorothy - early version with blogger commentary

The blog was in draft form yesterday - completed and posted today. For some reason, Blogger left yesterday's date on it, so I copied/pasted/republished it again. I won't delete this at the moment, but eventually will.

it's weird, maybe I will be able to "post" while in India with little to know internet. If I can write and the dates of the blogs will stay the same, I could post them all when I get to a place with internet access and the "continuum" will remain intact. Up until now, when I've written and couldn't post until the next day due to internet access, even the blogs I wrote days ago would change their date to the date of actual "publishing." Today was different. Have I in fact created a new reality? And who will read this amendment to the post?

this is what i started yesterday, finished today, and posted today, Thursday Oct 25 - it's the same content as the other Surrender Dorothy, in case you were wondering...
:-)

new commentary! - and i just updated this post with commentary and the date remained the same. Very interesting... and new and different. The rules have changed yet again. Like Proud Mary, we keep on rolling...

From yesterday's blog, wrapping our heads around what our hearts already know. Our heads may never be able to wrap around that which our hearts know, due to the "thinking" function. Since that part of our brain, the thinker, is so highly developed, it thinks so strongly that it knows, what is or isn't physically possible. It collects evidence, looks for proof.

Perhaps the element if surrender comes in when we let go of having to "know" from the brain's point of view. When we can allow the brain's point of view, but also allow the heart's point of view.

It's not such a big leap really. For some reason, when we talk about head and heart, head vs. heart, listening to my heart, my heart says, etc..., we all know what we are talking about, even though we all know from biology class that out hearts are organs made of muscle pumping blood to the brain, the place where thinking happens. Yet we all Know of this other Knowing. In spite of biology.

Don't think about it too much. Because we can't talk ourselves out of knowing what we know. Surrender Dorothy! That bigger point of view is already in there! And it's not such a hard concept to grasp because even pre-teens know all about the brain in the heart. Even scientists know that the ideas of genius come from somewhere other than logic. The idea comes, then being the Gods that we are, we figure out how to prove what we know. Some (including me) may venture to say, that we actually create a new reality to back up a new idea. We create something from a seeming nothing. So who is creating the universe? You. God. The Whole. The Same.

Union and pies

Yoga. Union. In yoga, we seek union. But we are already whole, so the process of yoga is really more about heightening awareness. Becoming aware of what's already there. And what's already there is Wholeness. Union. Yoga.

We are already in Union, so technically there is no Union, just knowing ourselves as Whole. In Wholeness there is no separation, we are already part of the whole.

So here I am, a cherry in a mixed fruit pie. I weigh my cherry-ness against the blueberry-ness of my neighbor. I judge the density of the crust, the amount of sugar in my atmosphere. And no matter how much I think I am not part if this pie, no matter how many times I think I can make a better pie, I'm still part of the pie. I am the pie. The pie is me, and as a cherry, I'm not going anywhere. The is nowhere to go. I cannot leap out of what i am.

It may be challenging to stay with the pie analogy, because eventually it will transform into something else- it wil rot or be eaten. But the point is to feel the Wholeness of the pie. The inherent Union.

We are pies. We are the pie. And this is not some "pie in the sky" dream or wish. It's right now, as soon as we can really wrap our heads around what our heart already knows.

Energy investment

What would happen if for one day, we stopped ourselves every time we had a complaint or mean thing to say about something or someone and we replaced it with some phrase of gratitude like "I love my life" "it's perfect" "I'm lucky to be alive" "the world is beautiful and I'm so happy to be on it" or something like that.

just for one day.
even if those replacement statements feel like lies.

just 24 hours.

just an idea.

just sayin'...

one thing

If i could say one thing, it would be the thing that would change your life in your most wildest, amazing dreams. It would be the thing that would awaken you to your big S self. It would be the thing that only you know as true. The truest of trues. the you-est of yous.

So why listen to me? you know way more than I could ever say.

The shallow and the deep

Deep thoughts are great. They can inspire us to re-evaluate our lives, to become people who live with purpose, to help us love ourselves even a little bit more. Deep thoughts can be provocative, challenging our current belief constructs, guiding us into a bigger or at least clearer point of view. Deep thoughts are well, deep. I love me some deep thoughts.

But this isn't to say there isn't the possibility of drowning in the well of the deep. We can get so deep that life as we know it may cease to have meaning or relevance - existentialism perhaps? Or we can get so lofty with our depth that we forget that we still need to shop for groceries, forget that there are others living in the same house with equally valid opinions and world-views, and hey, those dishes aren't going to wash themselves!

So maybe a little shallow end to that deep pool? You know the one - where the kids play. There is something to be said for being shallow, for feeling, not thinking. For just living. Fully. I mean, what's wrong with the song lyrics "Celebrate celebrate, dance to the music?" Nothing deep there. In the moment of putting my hands together and singing at the top of my lungs with everyone else in the room, it feels pretty dang good. Pretty dang deep. For being o-so-shallow.

Sometimes i feel a bit of pressure to be deep in these blogs. self imposed of course. and sometimes i just feel shallow. so shallow, in fact, that I'm not even in the baby pool. I'm lounging by the side of the pool, (oh -pool boy!) not even thinking about getting in the water, or about getting in to anything at all. Just going deep being shallow.

I love me some shallow.

that's why i love me some life. it has both, and it always will.

idols

We are surrounded by idols, whether they are American Idols or just things we decide are super important that they become the rules we live our lives by. In the 10 commandments, there was one about "thou shalt not put false gods before me." Well, in order to pull that one off, it would see like we would need to know who the "me" is that we should not put false gods in front of.

So who/what is your god? Whatever has the biggest control if your life.
Food.
Money.
Status.
Food.

We are so obsessed with what's good and bad, what certain foods do or don't do, what we can and can't eat. Get over it! It's god- you're god. If you are god you can eat anything!

I know that for most of us, this is too big of a leap, but maybe just start becoming aware of how much power we give over to what we are or aren't putting on our mouths, and pay more attention to what is or isn't coming out of our mouth.

Remember, whatever you give your truth to is your truth. What do you want to believe in? And how does what's going in and coming out of your mouth support that? Just sayin'...

Which btw, came out of this mouth.

teaching

what makes a good teacher? Is it the very cool way we get up into a fancy arm balance? Is it the way we defy the aging process and fool people into thinking that we are 10 years younger than what it says on our birth certificate? or is it the  ability to effectively inspire others to find their truth, their voice, their point of view?

I'd have to say all of the above. And one thing I know for sure, any student of mine, i hope to God and beyond that I have given you some provocative ideas to try, and that i've given you the freedom and support to test drive as many times as you want. It'a all about the test drive. What do we really believe? The more we  are in contact with that, the better, more authentic teacher we can become. And the more we model being comfortable in our own skins, well that effect can be extremely far reaching.

so if the brass ring seems to hard to handle, maybe take a couple of steps back, and see how it's all going

oh shanti

time to fly

there comes a time when every baby bird needs to fly. when is that time for you? Are you already flying and you still don't recognize it? Are you waiting for the OK from whoever you think has a better idea of you that you do? Are you clear that your time is now, but you just don't feel like living your big life? or is it something else?

Regardless, it is immaterial to me where you fall in that continuum. Ultimately, your life is in your hands, your mind, your Self. So why not pretend you are the smartest person on earth and let that determine your actions, your decisions etc....?

Just a thought.

cuz time does fly by. o-so-quickly. and it's a very cool thing when we are awake enough to experience it. Just sayin'...

and if it's "something else." then so be it, and enjoy/experience it.

it's all rock n roll when it comes down to it, right?

I love that.

hari om tat sat

space and judgment

If our space is full of non-judgment and non-attachment, then random thoughts that come from our unconscious mind or even random thoughts from another person that are floating around in thin air wont stick to our space

One method is to lose our charge, our positive/negative viewpoint habit. If we aren't pulled or plugged into a right way of doing something, vs a wrong way, then there is no wrong way, just different ways, different experiences, different lessons learned, perhaps different outcomes. Both ways will have outcomes. Our judgments come from what Patanjali refers to in YS 2:3, the 5 seeds of suffering, aka the Kleshas. When we make our decisions based on avoidance of what we don't like, and desire to get what we do like, we may judge one outcome as good or bad, and make that a Universal truth, instead of remembering that our good may be another person's bad.

Higher and higher

You're only as good as your highest thought.

If your teacher's highest thought isn't as high as yours, if they can't see you in the awesomeness that you are striving towards/evolving into, then how can they help you attain it?

wish i may...

wish i might, have the wish i wish...
I wish...

Stop wishing and start believing.

Don't judge the master

And what if we were to assume that everyone is the master, and that everything they said and did was coming from the divine, deliberately and consciously executed in order to help us grow?

Or we could keep believing the status quo, and see how that works out. Maybe test and compare...

You get what you need

In church of the Rolling Stones, Reverend Mick hits it home.
You can't always get what you want, but if try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.

Last week, one of our 500 hour teacher trainees was leading a satsang on the Katha Upanishad. What was really interesting, is that in that text, we all found pieces of truth and interpretation that were relevant to each of us. Clearly, spiritual texts, (as well as life's situations, experiences, conversations, billboards, etc...,) can be interpreted and re-interpreted, and in fact they are. By "experts." But perhaps the real expert is you. We can read these texts over and over and re-interpret them to suit our needs, inspire our path, and to support our growth.

So recycle. Re-read. Re-invent. And get what you need.