2012 recap

I'm starting with the summary. This is what the entire year has led up to for me. Here is a prayer from the Himalayan Institute to say before entering your sacred space.

Seated at the door of our hearts, Oh Inner Light, you are Adi-guru, the teacher of all previous teachers. Guide me. Guide my conscience. Help me contain your light. Gurunam gurave namaha.

Last blog of 2012. It will have been 350 in a row. 2012 has been a very full year. I've tried numerous times to get something down, so I could at least send out a Holiday letter to friends and family, but so much is inside, and when i've started to write, the fullness I feel inside just feels so empty on the page.

Starting backwards, we did things differently this holiday season, starting with the decision not to go to New York City for Thanksgiving. This was decided pre-Sandy btw. Went to Half Moon Bay for dinner with Lori and Harold, John's sister and husband. John and I got our tree, larger than we usually get, just because it was there. Upon decorating, another change. The lights didn't work. We both thought this impossible because we had so many strands for spares, but nada. No glow. So over the bridge and through the fake snow to Lowe's. I was not prepared to buy new lights. It was a Pandora's box. A can of worms. A chance for a new start. A practice. Yes, a practice. I asked myself, "did i like the multi-colored lights I'd been using for years, or was it just because that's what my family always did, and they are what I had in the Christmas box?" So I decided I was going really see what lights I liked. Maybe I did like the multi-colored. Maybe I liked these weird shapes that look like fake pine cones. I know I liked LEDs. And that's the only thing I knew. So 1 hour later, a husband quickly losing patience and a dog who is being oddly well behaved, we made a decision. Red and White. Let's make a candy cane tree. And throw on the one strand of M and M lights we had that worked.

So we got home, hung the new lights (more challenging for a few different reasons), and then as we pulled out box of ornaments, there were the mulit-colored lights that worked!!! Ahhhhh! Sense of humor anyone? So now I am motivated to get rid of all the stuff that doesn't work and stuff that works fine that i just don't like anymore. Or that I still like, but I don't need and I'm kind of bored of. I know, such a middle class problem, but hey, I take honor the things I own, so they last a long time, and I've been living outside my childhood home for 30 some years. Hence, there is stuff.

As a result, I've been donating, replacing, changing things. Letting go of the "old me" - what i liked, what i identified with, etc... and started investing the "now me." I even bought some new clothes. As much as I don't really like shopping, it was worth it. And yes, I've been the same size for about 30 years, and things don't really wear out, so again, going through and replacing old ideas and images with new. Present moment.

This year, broke patterns by teaching on New Years Eve and New Years Day. Did a theme leading up to tonights Fire Practice and tomorrow will be a practice about Light. That may be the continued theme of a retreat weekend next year at Stillheart (shooting for Labor Day weekend!) on Fire and Light.

And tonight, I will not drink champagne and ring in the New Year. I am committed to changing the trajectory, so I'm saying "not this year" to what most of the country is doing tonight. Instead, we are "ruminating" and setting conscious intention.

This season there were no big parties, no obligatory functions this year. It was also different as the family dynamic shifted dramatically because of my sister's death in June.  It feels odd. The family feels small since there is one less phone call to make on all those holidays.

I have so much to be thankful for. In no particular order - first my friends and family who have been so supportive this year. Thanks for flying in to see the show in November. Thanks for flying in to be with us at Susan's funeral. Thanks for sharing parts of your journey, parts of your self to inspire, comfort, distract, love, whatever. Mom, thanks for coming to some of my yoga classes. And keep practicing that little home program we came up with. Get strong again. If you want to. Mary Beth - way to go taking yourself to Belize for your auspicious birthday on 12/21/12. Patty - way to hang in there and continue to be the best backup singer on the planet. It's tough to not be in the spotlight. Just know that I always see you. And Susan - I know your death was unexpected, yet timely. I understand, and it must feel good to be out of your body for awhile. Enjoy!

Enough of the death stuff. Thank you to all my students who continue to invite me into your lives, be a part of your journey. I am honored that you want to hang out and share the Divinity that we are. Because of you, I am a better teacher, and a better person. I will continue to reflect your light back to you. Know how bright and beautiful you are. I am so honored that I am your yoga teacher, and hope that you are inspired to know the teacher within, your Adi-guru - the light inside that is your true teacher.

And speaking of teachers, I am so appreciative of those who have helped shape me, helped remind of who I really am and what I'm doing here on this earth. Thank you for showing me the light in my own heart, my inner voice of truth, my Adi-guru. To you, I owe you everything. And you know who you are. And if you don't, then look in the mirror and get a clue.

And of course, John and Winston. Thanks for being there and supporting my wackiness, my idealism, my choices, and for the occasional advice on what shoes to wear when we go out to dinner. Because when the big things are handled, it's the little things that make the difference.

So as I wrap up this year, I raise my glass of love to all, and thank you thank you thank you.

So tonight, set your intentions. And I invite you to ask yourself, "What do I like now?" "What is serving me now?" "Who am I now?" I also invite you to join me as we let go of the past, and stand up for ourselves as we dare to be who we are now, not who we were, even though many people may still treat us like the old version of ourselves. Its ok. It's not their fault that they haven't installed the new upgraded software. But we have. Because we wrote it.

2013 here we come!