Bhakti

Pandit Rajmani Tigunait says that true Bhakti is "the discomfort of not being able to express our gratitude to that which gives to us." He goes on to call this inability to express this love and gratitude as a "joyful burden."

It's true. We sometimes say we "love so much it hurts." It's because true love (not "true love" as in your perfect match with another zodiac sign), true love cannot be expressed physically because it's non-physical. We are at a loss for words to express it. There is nothing we can really do to show it. We can't hug someone enough, kiss someone enough, give to someone enough, to express the depth of what is in our hearts.

I know I'm not the only person who has felt this longing, this inadequacy, this joyfully painful inability to express such a deep and profound feeling. And in those moments, whether i'm laughing or crying, sitting or dancing, doing or being, it still feels the same somehow. Loving life. Loving love. Loving.

A couple of months ago, I was visiting my mom in Phoenix, and she suggested we watch a movie. From her vast collection of VHS tapes (less that 10), there was one that wasn't animated. It was the story of St Francis of Assisi. I remember the actress playing Claire, St Francis's female friend, appeal to Frank to let her join his loving band of brothers. She said that she wanted to be the one who seeks to understand over being understood. The one who seeks to love over being loved. That scene has stuck with me, especially when I feel like "why doesn't so and so love me..." or "why doesn't so and so understand me." That's when I remind myself to be the one to love, the one to understand.

And from there, Bhakti. Devotion to something bigger. And the discomfort of not being able to express it.