And the Band Played On

We start out learning to write with big paper, big crayons. Basic broad strokes as we learned to color inside the lines. Big straight lines on paper with a dotted line going through the center so we could properly scale capital and lowercase letters. As we got older, more skilled, perhaps more refined, the crayons got smaller, big pencils slimmed down, and eventually made their way to fine point pens. Artistically, we had more complex lines to color inside of, until we drew our own lines, and let those lines speak for themselves, or we colored them in as well. Maybe we even started to draw lines with dots, as in pointillism. Lines became dots. We excelled past the point of needing lines. And at some point, we continued on the path of small, or small exploded into big bold splatters of paint. Words turned into poems, bullet points, music. Maybe the pen was abandoned for a keyboard.

But we started with the big, bold, broad strokes.

Same as we developed emotionally. Right and wrong was black and white. Why? Because it was not necessarily in the childs' wheelhouse to grasp the nuance as to why it's ok for Mommy to wear lipstick to church and not the 5 year old. As we developed and mastered understanding of the broad strokes, we might have started questioning, creating new pathways, lines, in our brains. Lines and pathways outside of the thinking of our parents, until we had our own unique way of thinking. We even applaud "independent thinkers" - those who are not governed by the collective consciousness of the masses. Those who no longer believe whatever the "Man" tells us to.

One thing to remember in the context of a yoga practice, especially if you have already developed some degree of mastery or refinement over the course of your years, is to keep in mind that the more we have mastered something, the smaller the adjustment will be. It becomes less and less about the big adjustment, the big light show, the loud band (even though that is all totally fun sometimes!), and more about the subtle. And one thing you know from being in a loud room. Unless you can hear through the noise, you can't hear the subtle. So if your friend is whispering to you "you have 15 seconds to reach into my handbag and take 1 million dollars for yourself, tax free," you will miss what that quiet voice was offering. But hey, if the band was good, maybe it was worth missing out on. 

Awake and asleep. Part 1.

We are simultaneously awaken and asleep. We are asleep to our dream state while we are awake to our physical world. In the dream state, unless we are lucid dreaming and know that we are also physical, we are asleep to our waking world. So what? Exactly. But the point is, just because we are asleep, doesn't mean we aren't there. Or does it?

In the practice of yoga asana, the physical poses, or any new physical activity for that matter, we thrill to the newfound feelings and sensations that we get as we experience things like "wow! I had no idea I could stretch my hips like that!" and visually, we see Ms. Bendypants across the room putting her leg behind her head, and we wake up to "Wow. There is a human being that I actually know doing that!" We wake up.

So, imho, the practice of yoga asana is really about waking up. The trap that many of us enter is that we keep looking for the same awakening we felt the first day we shifted our alignment, felt our feet as part of our body, understood that just because I  move my shoulders doesn't mean I have to move my head, etc...  Those poses that gave us that glorious moment, or even moments of awakening, well, we are already awake to them! So we need to release our attachment to the way they used to make us feel, and be willing to wake up to perhaps a new way of approaching the same old pose. Or even try a new pose.  Or even let go of our attachment to the sensations that we are used to feeling. Because let me tell you, from my experience, as your practice evolves, we become asleep to what we are awake to. We start phoning it in, which is not necessarily a bad thing btw. Sometimes a phone call is better than no call at all, right? But it's a little flag to pay attention to. That way we can stay awake

Acceptance

Hi. My name is jean and I'm an ___________-aholic.

Hi Jean!

Fill in the blank. Most of us have played this game a time or two. What is that statement really? Self acceptance. Or at least acknowledging where you are. Acknowledging a tendency. 

Self acceptance. On one hand, we say we want it. On the other hand, we fear it. If I accept myself as I am, then what? Will I stay stuck in my sorry-assed state? If I encourage my kids to accept themselves, won't they turn into mediocre, uncaring, bad Samaritans? Because in order to fully accept myself, I need to stop judging myself, and stop making me feel greater than or less than someone else. I have to actually accept who I am, warts and all. And how does that fare in the world of self-help books and seminars, where people's jobs depend on the belief that we all should strive to be "better" people. Better that what? Better than who? Or whom? Someone feel good about correcting me. Hi, my name is jean and I suck at grammar. And I'm fine with that. Is it ok for me to be fine with that, or does it mean I am lazy or "less than" because I don't want to put my energy into "bettering myself?"

In our world of creating better lives for ourselves, we are skipping a very important step in my opinion. We forget to accept who we are, and where we are. The first step of an alcoholic, is to admit and accept that they have a "disease." That way, they know that this tendency is a tendency so strong that it walks with them in every moment. If I own my tendency to lie, cheat, steal, hate myself, criticize, get self righteous, complain, gossip, etc... then it will have less power over me because I have stopped trying to hide it. If I can own it, if I can accept that it is part of me, part of the Whole that I Am, I can deal with it from a place based less in fear and denial, and one based more in the present moment.

Self acceptance. I accept who I am and love who I am no matter what. Warts and all. When we can start playing from that point of view, the game changes. We get to see who we really are. We may or may not like what we see. We may or may not choose to change. But we will begin to learn to love ourselves unconditionally.  And the more we love ourselves unconditionally, the more we get off our own backs, the more we will be able to accept others, warts and all, and love others unconditionally. And isn't that what peace is all about?

So, perhaps I go out on a precarious limb here when I say that the quest to make ourselves "better" is a slippery slope. Better than what? Better than who(m)? And why the urge to be better? Who are we trying to become? Someone better than ourselves. If this urge to be "better" is coming from a place of judgement, of disgust, of self hate, we have missed a step. Self love. Self acceptance. Because self improvement is all based on the little s self. How can we improve on the big S self? So the question is, how do I get more big S self going? You can start small if you like. Love your self. Then love your Self. Or just love yourself.

And an effective way to start that process is to accept your self. So you can accept your Self.

When the world lets you in

Sometimes we feel left out. Out of sorts. On the outs. Out of ideas. Out of gas. We wonder what the world means, why we are here, and what's it all bout Alfie? We may even question our own existence. Why? Because we can. Winston, my dog, will never wonder why he is alive. He will never say "what's the point." First off, because he doesn't speak English, and second because he doesn't need to know. He just goes. With the hope that chicken will magically appear around the next corner. 

And there are times when we feel in. In like Flynn, in the mood, in the know, in style. The in crowd. In our bodies. In sync. This is when something has aligned inside, and when we find this alignment, it's as if the world lets us in. We see a bigger picture. We feel Her, Mother Nature, the Divine. We don't question our reason to be, because in that moment, which is the present moment, we get the present of not questioning, of not worrying. We get the delicious present of being. Being one. Being in. We let it it. We let it out. And they are, for that moment, the same.

Up With People

I love people. I really do. What I love about my job is people. All shapes and sizes. All opinions. Button pushers. Button calmers. I love saying hi to people when I'm having an off moment. It changes my focus and helps me "turn the other cheek," meaning I see a different side of life other than the one that I was obsessing about. Thank god there was another person there to say hi to, giving me an easy way to change my perspective.

Last night, our next door neighbors, who I don't know at all, other than they live there, were having a party. They've never had a party before. They had a bouncy castle set up for the kids. And when I went to the back deck, we could just see inside their garage, just enough to see people dancing. Living. Loving life.

I gotta say. I felt really warm and fuzzy inside with all that bouncy castle, dancing, love.

I love people.

Thank you.

2013 Recap: Growth and Gratitude

About 1 year ago I was in the process of preparing for a 6 week trip to India. The purpose of that trip was twofold. To  experience Kumbha Mela, and to experience the new shrine in Kharjuraho. 

Kumbha Mela is an event that happens once every 6 years in Allahabad at the banks of the Ganges River. Pilgrims from all over the world come to wash away their karma in the Mother Ganga. Known for the herds of people that make Woodstock look like a Sunday stroll, I was not one of those people caught in a stampede. Our group was early in the Mela season, and so I felt like I got Kumbha Mela LIte, as far as that goes. And the Lite version was heavy enough. Even though the Himalayan Institute campus was around 1 mile from the Mela, the air was full of smoke from ceremonial burning, and the sounds of the Mela carried to campus over loudspeakers that only stopped somewhere in the wee hours of the morning. There were a few concepts that really struck me and became personal and teaching themes throughout 2013. One theme started when our group of experienced an exciting roller coaster ride trying to leave San Francisco during a huge blizzard that was happening in London.  This is where “Don’t know, just go” began. It was all about trust. Trusting the Universe to put us exactly where we were supposed to be and when. This concept was huge through the whole year, and became especially potent when I started looking at hearing the voice of God and following it. Listening. Hearing. Then acting. For example “drink more water.” Then drink the water. 

Back to India. We were routed through London, and the flight was delayed 12 hours. Then we get calls to get to the airport because they are rebooking people NOW! Don’t know (as in “we don’t need to know all the details, the reasons, etc…), just go (as in, I Know that this is perfect, so i’m giving my rational brain a break and going with what I Know, not what I know). So we managed to get rebooked onto the same flight. After a comedy of errors that began to feel like a French farce, we finally arrived in Dehli. None of our bags made it. Another few hours in the airport putting in claims, this is India remember, and things move at a different pace, and finally we were on the bus to Agra. We missed the Taj Mahal. Three times to India now, and I still haven’t seen the Taj. That’s cool. I don’t go as a tourist anyway. So the big joke for us was that we arrived without baggage. How that translated into 2013 for me was to travel without baggage. Travel lighter. Strip down. And I’d say I did really well on that regard because but the time John and I took a trip to Palm Springs in December for a week, I took only a carry on. 

The next theme was about from the Mela - Tirtha - a bridge, a place of a spiritual crossing. Rolf Slovik talked about this. About leaving something at the banks of the Ganges, and taking something away. The idea of bridges, Tirtha, spiritual crossing, taking and leaving were rich themes for me teaching-wise, but also in my own heart. How can I be more of a bridge builder instead of a bridge burner? 

After 10 days in Allahabad of the Mela, we head to Khajuraho, where Pandit Rajmani Tigunait is opening a shrine that has been years in the making. To be clear, yes there is a building, which is beautiful, but its really about the energy, the stillness, the place that supports entering your own mind and heart. This is where I spent the rest of the trip. Study, quiet, meditation, and a unique and profound energy in this new shrine, steeped in the sublime tradition of Sri Vidya. And we are talking about holding a Sri Yoga teacher training on that campus in 2015 provided everything aligns as it needs to. Don’t know, just go!

Coming home with 1 week before the Sri Yoga 200 Hr training starting on March 1. Due to some unforeseen business I needed to address, I didn’t get the down time to assimilate and re-enter like I planned. Again, don't know, just go. So I kept going. The training had a record breaking number of people for us. I am so grateful for that. I love teaching and I love teaching retreats and trainings. I feel like I can really be my Self. And that always feels good. And on purpose.

2013 brought more healing, changes, and growth. The beginning of June was the first anniversary of my sister’s death, and I experienced a wave of grief that I have never felt before. I am so grateful because now I know what that amount of grief feels like. It was like I was under a fog for a few months. And then it lifted. And that was also amazing. What was amazing was getting to experience these aspects of the human condition from a nonjudgmental place. From, as we call it in yoga, from the “witness” or the “observer.” 

It was also in June that I felt called to take a job at Yoga Garden San Francisco as Advanced Studies Director. My job? To revamp their 200 hr teacher training program and to write their 300 Hour Advanced program. What I’ve loved about the job is working in community. I enjoy the daily “grind” and I enjoy the creative aspect of problem solving. Helping make a program better. Putting the “I,” the “Jean” of it all aside, and just work from a place where I don’t have ownership. Does this mean I’m quitting Sri Yoga? Not one bit. It means I’m building a bridge. I want to model that 2 separate programs can co-exist peacefully. I want to model that people are drawn to whatever program they are drawn to for a reason, and that I trust they will find their “right” teachers. Both programs are strong for different reasons. If a person wants to dissect asana, the Yoga Garden program is the better choice. If a person wants more philosophy and to get more of the energetic transformational elements, then Sri Yoga is the better program. Yoga is by nature, transformational, so no matter what, signing up for a teacher training program will change you. Like I say, 7 Billion people, 7 Billion paths. So pick the one that’s right for you. Anyway, it’s been good for me to administer a different kind of program. Got me out of my rut. 

In September I led a retreat at Stillheart Institute on "Finding Your Authentic Alignment." What was amazing for me is that the concept of "community" came up. This is huge. I deliberately have avoided themes like "being nice to others" "helping others" "kumbaya" etc... because I believe that community begins from within, and frankly, not many people in the yoga world were really teaching the idea of "Selfishness." In other words, get yourself strong, stable, confident. Love yourself, and the rest will follow. This retreat was a milestone, because the concept of community started pouring out. Again, gratitude, growth, and awe.

This was not a musical year for me, but I find creativity in all that I do. I can't help it. And who knows what that creativity will look like in 2014? I will continue to blog, maybe turn them into a book someday. Maybe I’ll start writing songs again. I start a few from time to time, and I know there is a lot in there. And with my new toy - the iPad, i’ve started “painting” again, which I love. It’s not the same as mixing and throwing paint, but it’s still visual and colorful. A new medium. A new year. Creating as we go.

2014 will hold some milestones in the world of numbers. 20th wedding anniversary. 55th birthday for John and I. And John gets a 6 week paid sabbatical, so you know travel will be involved. Winston turns 7 which is 14 divided by 2 (2014).  Brenna, my teaching partner has graciously planned a 5 day retreat in Hawaii Feb 15-21 for us to teach, as well as a weekend retreat in September in Napa. So I still get to teach, but didn’t have to do the planning. That is a huge gift and I’m so grateful for that this year. And teaching-wise, I’m adding 3 new classes to my weekly schedule. Sri Yoga 200 Hour Teacher Training starts in March, and we are setting up 2 of the Advanced training modules, one locally, and hopefully 1 in Mt Shasta. I also get to teach in the Yoga Garden 200 and 300 Hr Teacher Training Programs, which gives me the opportunity to reach more people. And even though it seems I’m doing o-so-much more, I feel more space than ever. I’ll be heading out to the Himalayan Institute in March to study with Panditji, and will head to Mt Shasta to study with Dennis Adams. I’ll stay here to study with Bonnie Cohen. And of course, I’ll be studying my Self in all of this. It’s my purpose, my dharma, my path. And the more I travel this path, the more my Self I feel. And I thank you all for that. Building bridges. 

Motto for 2014? I’ve already let the cat out of the bag to some of you-
“Fearless in ’14”

Yep. That’s it. and it’s the shit. 

And Thank You. So. Much. 

Jean

Alignment and community gardening

Alignment. Some say fix the outsides and the insides will follow. Others say the opposite. By fixing the body, our attitude changes, our mood changes. But how long will holding our shoulders back and our chest out keep our mood elevated, confident?

One of the things that came up last year was this idea of community. In the past, I haven't been one to talk much about community, because even though community can be awesome, we can also start unconsciously behaving in a "community acceptable manner" and I think that one of the potential powers of community is that we have the support and freedom to explore who we really are. Thinking about this, the idea aligning myself with communities where I can truly "be myself" came up. And as I thought of that, I said, “yes, that all sounds fine and good. but is it really the answer?” Its easy and refreshing to be with those who I feel I can be myself. But what I really want is freedom. Freedom from feeling that I have to be anything other than myself no matter where I am. So if I get my head right, I’ll get back to the garden. (thanks Joni). In other words, when my head space changes and I decide that i’m going to be myself, not try to please or whatever other self-nullifying trips I put on myself, then I will rest inside all communities. 

Those who don't want to hang out or hang around will at some point fade away. But I wont fade away into a community where I feel less than, because I will know and embody the concept of “equal to.” I respect myself enough to be myself, and in that practice, it strengthens my ability to let others be themselves. The alignment process begins and because of my internal space, my external space will support that. And vice versa.

We can change our jobs, our friends, our families, our locations, our bodies. We can set ourselves up for alignment with what we think is our Purpose in life, or the life we truly want to be living. And at some point, the head space needs to match that. So you can be living in hell while sitting in paradise. You can be freaking out while your shoulders are back and your chest is out. 

Or you can work on your head space, the mind field, field of dreams, fields of gold. And then when you make that external shift, the “alignment” will stick. You'll change jobs and feel more at home because your insides will be in alignment with your outsides. Your new relationship will be different from the last. You’ll be back to the garden.

And remember, there is no right and wrong here. The garden grows regardless. That's what is so cool about it. Because we really never left the garden. We are the garden.

On Purpose

"Why am I here?" " What is my purpose?" "Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it!"

How often have we repeated those phrases? On one hand, most of us have some paying attention to do when it comes to actually listening and doing what that voice inside our head (aka the Divine/God/Higher Self voice). When that voice says “drink more water,” do we? When that voice says “stop eating/drinking/judging,” do we? When that voice says, “take a break and listen,” do we? Just sayin’…

So let’s fast forward into the present moment. Where we know we have a purpose. Our purpose. So now we start doing things “on purpose” instead of accidentally. The more conscious we become, the less that is left up to chance. We are “on purpose.”

I flashback to when my sisters and I would tattletale to our mother “Moooommmmm! Patty did it ON PURPOSE!!!!” and of course, Patty would retort, “Nuh uh!!! it was an ACCIDENT!!!”

The layers upon layers of truth in both of those statements overwhelm me a bit. Yes. She did it on purpose. And it might have been an accident. They may not be mutually exclusive. The accident may have been on purpose. And from where I sit, I believe all of our accidents are on “purpose.”

So the more we embrace that everything we do/say/think/feel is “on purpose,” the more responsibility we take for our actions. And that is consciousness. 

Timing

Its all in the timing. Or is it? Since we are time machines, meaning we go forward and back in time, “timing” may become less important than we think it was. (whoa Nellie! we are time machines???) So if we are time machine, then we can go back and forward in time? Yes. And we do every day. Most of every day as a matter of fact. When we think about the past, we are the past. When we think about the future, we are the future, And yes, we take our bodies with us. Try it right now. Think about a past event that had a big impact on you. You can feel those same sensations in your body, so your body went back in time with you. Same thing with the future. If we dread a situation, our body feels and registers that dread. If we are excited about a situation, our body experiences and registers that sensation.

So how does this affect “timing?” It means that we can change the past and future, or at least our relationship to it, which in fact, changes the event’s affect on us, which changes the event for all practical purposes. Which means “timing” will play a less important role the more we are in the present moment. Why? Because in the Present Moment, all things are possible. It is the present moment where we are in Wholeness, in the arms of the Mother, sitting on God the Father’s knee (or Santa’s lap), the place where “miracles” occur. Because in the present moment, there is no past or future, no duality, and since there is no duality, we are not governed by the laws of duality, which would be Newtonian physics. And it that’s not enough “gravity” for you, then hey! Stay light! Stay present! 

Christmas present. Christmas presence. 

So open your presence. 

What a great gift. 

At when the timing is right, meaning when I’m feeling the past come into the present moment, I will do the 2013 recap. Unless it doesn’t happen. Which is also Perfect. Timing. 

Like being in the perfect place to capture a sunset.