Regret

As an actor, one thing that I experienced over and over was regret. If only I would have worn the blue top, kept my hair down, worn more/less/ different makeup, read the lines a different way, said hello differently, said goodbye differently, not said goodbye.. Whatever. The list is endless.

So out of the blue, and I do mean the very bluest of blues, my agent ( yes i have one, and you probably didn't know that, that's how long it's been) calls me for an audition for a Woody Allen film! Theeee most relevant and exciting audition of my life to date!

I prepare, feel the feeling, get my wardrobe/makeup/hair together. Moisturize. Leave early. Learn my lines. And in 2 minutes, 3 tops, it's over. Sometimes I leave an audition knowing I nailed it, knowing I left it all in the room - no regrets. This time it felt flat. I was full of regret: if only I would have made different choices. Then I remember how frustrating and disappointing the acting world can be. But wait! Hold the phone! Have I taught myself nothing over the last 50 years??? What is this thing called "regret?"

If everything is perfect in the moment, and I only could do what I do in that moment, why did I have regrets over my audition? Was is because the casting director wasn't jumping for joy saying "you nailed it?" well, yes. And was is that as soon as I left I realized what she was looking for? Yes, definitely. So after I made excuses that were really me criticizing myself for the next 1/2 hour (or more), I re-visited the choices I made. And yes, even though the casting director appeared less than happy, how do I know what was going on in her head in that moment? And yes, my acting choices were, from my point of view, "right." given the scene, and given the way Woody writes and directs, I did in fact nail it the best I could given the circumstances.

Then re-visiting the perfection in the moment concept, it had to be the way it was. The universe would not have sent me a Woody Allen film audition after all this time of me not acting if I wasn't ready for Woody-land. Even though it may not have translated in the audition room, my acting choices were solid. So whether or not this experience was about Woody Allen, my relationship to the acting profession, or whether it was about me understanding another level of regret and how it's just another way to put ourselves down, it doesn't matter. Because its perfect. And so am I, so let the chips fall where they may. And Woody? Call me. Lunch?