Asking the Big Question

Who am I? Am I who I think I am? Or am i just my identity? A bunch of beliefs which I believed I am? Am I who my parents said i am? Society? the media? 

We are who we think we are, because that’s who we think we are. The operative word here is “think.” Since beliefs are thoughts we keep thinking, and whatever we give our truth to is our truth, then honestly, yes, we are who we think we are. From that point of view. 

But do I know who I am? Not stuff I think I know. Stuff i Know. About my Self. About the truth that exists beyond thought, and thus we can’t actually think about it because when we do, it becomes yet another belief, a thought, a something other than what it started out to be.

Yes, we talk about inner knowing, just like we talk about things like fun, and although talk is fun, and often useful, at the essence, it’s meaningless. It’s what we Know from experience, the stuff we can only try to talk about, that is who we Are. One of my teachers uses this example: You can read about France. You can see movies about France. You can learn French. You can talk to people who have been to France. You may think you really know and understand a trip to France, but until you actually go, it’s just talk.  Belief. The “reality” is France. 

You are France. Your big S self is France. I love France. France is fun. Let’s go to France. Right now. Without bags.

Fun - Part Wun

What is fun exactly?

Finding Us New?

Flipping Until Numb?

Friends Until Never?

Feet Under Naval?

Falling Up Now?

Feeling Unearthly Nothing?

Or perhaps we should go with a fresher, hipper version: PHUN

People Hugging Under Night-sky

So I’m stretching it a bit perhaps? Phine.

Let’s look at fun. Often times we think of “fun” as something decadent, naughty, or bad for us. Like drugs, cake, random sex, shoplifting, etc… and truth be told, it probably was fun. The first time. But what about the second time? Or the third? We kept repeating what we remember was fun, and then we would reach for it in order to re-create the feeling we had the first time. The thrill. The excitement. The release. At some point, maybe it stopped being fun. Telltale signs: hangovers, guilt, going to jail. Yeah, most of us think those aren’t fun. So we chose fun based on a past experience. Is it because we are out of ideas? Too distracted or even lazy to figure out what our next “fun” thing to do will be? As kids, we were always on to the next thing. It was easier then, because we didn’t have as much repetition on the old fun things.

Do we even know what fun is for us now, in this moment?

In order to have awesome, present moment fun, we need to let ourselves grow up. Literally. Grow up and out of our old ideas of fun and see who we are right here right now. For example, I used to think playing with Barbie dolls was fun. Not so much now. I used to think that playing house was fun. Now I have a house. Do I play house? Is it still fun?

So I let go of my stuffed animals and my Barbie dolls, and my bottle collection, and playing Chutes and Ladders. I moved on to other “fun” things. Bottom line, we have to let go of who we were, and that includes letting go of what that person we used to be thought was fun.

Fun – how do we know we are having it? Because there is a feeling. A feeling that feels so good you never want it to stop. Some call it bliss. Some call it joy. Some call it your soul. Call it what you like, but that feeling is fun. It’s not the act of what we are doing, but the feeling we are getting from doing it.

Tomorrow we’ll look at some fun things to do or not do.

Darkness

Is the darkest hour truly before the dawn? Or is it right in the middle of not-knowingness? But then how do we know whether or not we are in the middle of it, or whether it really is right before the dawn? Get a flashlight? Be the flashlight.

Another one

Yes, the 24 hours of my day is/was/is outside of the lines. But that's no shocker. I like outside the lines. I also like inside the lines. I also like the lines.

The 24 hr day

The 24 hr day-- what is that exactly? Ok- I get it. It's 24 hours. Exactly. Except when it's not. It's almost 2 am. What happened to the time? Ok- finished teaching at 8. Got home around 8:45. Made dinner featuring greens from our garden. Then American Idol and Water For Elephants later, it past midnight. My blog deadline is past. It's officially the next day and I missed my April 27 blog.

Yeah, I know and you know that this isn't the first time, and it won't be the last, because time is relative, and so are we - yes - we're all relatives and it's now a 2am rant going from whatever to something else but isn't that the way it is anyway and yeah I used to love Bukowski and I probably didn't spell his name write, and yeah, it should have been right, But wrong felt so good and who the hell am I? Am I you? Am I me? Something else?

Or maybe it's just 2:11. And there will still be tomorrow, only it's today.

Sigh.

Btw- I still love my life which is more than I can say for Bukowski. Unless you know. Then please enlighten me.

Permission

Give yourself permission to admit what you want. Then give yourself not only permission, but encouragement to go for it. Permission to keep wanting it. Encouragement to keep going for it.

These things we want, no matter how profound or mundane, keep us motivated, inspired, to learn and grow, because often the journey of wanting leads us to another level of wanting, or even to the place that we may find we want something else. When that happens, give yourself permission to change your mind (guys, it's just not for women anymore!), change your desire, change your approach and methodology, even change your priorities.

Permission to climb aboard? Grated. Definitely. Granted.

Sexy

The sexiest of beasts is the one who is truly comfortable in their own skin. We want that feeling for ourselves, and thus, we are attracted to it.

Love

Don't wait until you feel lovable before you can love yourself. Love yourself unconditionally now!

It's easy to love the lovable. Loving the unlovable is true, unconditional love.

Dharma vs desire

The difference between your dharma code, aka your life's purpose, and your sankalpa, aka your hearts desire, is that your dharma code just is. No matter what. It is the thing that informs all that you do. Your sankalpa is something you want. Some would place affirmations in this category.there is no future in the dharma code -it's right here right now yesterday today tomorrow.

Lunch by the pool

Sometimes it's time to let go and say "hey, I'm swimming here, but at least i'm not drowning." that's when the no judgment rule really applies. We don't have to judge ourselves for not knowing the answer, or in some cases even the question, and we can float in the ocean of trust that, thank god, there is a god, a bigger plan, and something else that has a clue more on point than our personality's mind could have come up with, and since there was a surrender to a bigger point of view, we get to ride into the exhilaration of not knowing the outcome, but knowing the that the outcome, and the process, is all perfect. And the details are taken care of by the ultimate maitre d. I'd like a table by the window please... So I can see...

Crazy man

Insanity happens when we can't bridge the gap between who we really are and who we were told we are. That's why I advocate a loving, gentle approach to awakening. We can actually enjoy the process of getting to know our Self as much as the actual knowing.

Banking

What are we putting in our psychic banks? Does it align with our physical banks? From a purely energetic perspective, yes, they are direct reflections of each other. And as we develop our awareness, we are more able to "make change" in our banks. We start realizing what bills we need for what circumstance, and we begin to consciously see what we have in the bank, how to re-distribute the wealth, diversify our portfolios, and where to invest our energy. The payoff/paycheck is life and how you feel about it and/ior perceive it.

Growing pains

Maybe if we spent more energy growing"down", developing a strong and stable root structure, we wouldn't be told to "grow up" as often.

Snot

Snot is tears coming out your nose, so when your nose is running, maybe you're just crying. Or maybe itsnot.

I still love that fact.

Weight weight dont tell me

Carrying the weight of the world. If that were true, we would be the world because we stick to the world because of gravity. If we carry the world, we must be the one in charge of the source of the gravitational force. So if we are, great. Carry on my wayward planet. Otherwise let go and let the rock do the heavy lifting.

Cleanliness is next to something

Visually, I like order. I like to look around at a clean house, clean lines, minimal distraction. Empty. And what I've noticed is that once that door is open, things just never seem clean enough, orderly enough, simple enough. The complexity of simplicity. The effort behind effortlessness. Interesting.

The other extreme is to live in a mess and be blind to the chaos. To co-exist with chaos and never feel the need to do anything about it. The simplicity of complexity. I've lived comfortably in a mess.

So which is better? If we look at our outer worlds as reflections of our inner worlds, then we a couple of interesting scenarios: 1) we clean, process, organize, our shit. 2) we don't.

With #1, we have the upside of awareness and consciously trying to affect change within. Downside, we can become rigid, judgemental, and restless as we try to put a conclusion on an eternal process. It wil never be clean enough.

With #2, the downside is that we can become complacent, blind, live in denial, or stuck in inertia, the upside is that we find a peace in chaos, that we become generous and accepting of what is.

Or maybe we hire someone to clean. But then we live in someone else's standards, value systems, or priorities of what is important to be addressed.

No right answer. No wrong answer. And the beat goes on.

Like again

There is nothing like hanging out with like minded people. And I like it.

And the coolest thing is when you are in a group of like minded people who have very little in common. That's where we get to see how much bigger than our physical identity we are.

I like that too.

Tapas?

Time to let go or keep going? Sometimes it's hard to tell. Is that beating our heads against a wall in order to get something done tapas or attachment?

Its easy to tell if we are aware of our habits, addictions, tendencies. Not so easy if we aren't clear on those. The thing with not knowing our tendencies is that we will often use replacement therapy, replacing one neurosis or attachment with a new, seemingly "healthier" one.

The question is, how's your life going? Same old same old even though you swear you've changed (it's just that pesky world that hasn't changed with you!) If that's the case, it's probably replacement therapy. If your world view is shifting, and you have less judgement and more compassion, then it was probably tapas.

Or something else. But ultimately, it's up to you to discover and decide.

Privilege

We work hard. Why? To make money. Why? So we don't have to work hard. So why not practice the end result? Practice basking. Practice enjoying the privilege of doing nothing.

Faith

Faith is believing in your Self. It is trusting your inner Knowingness. It comes from a place so deep, so stable, so unshakable, that even the most "unrealistic" can become real.

Faith is not based in books or statistics. It springs from our inner voice of truth and life experience.it springs from that which goes beyond words or things. In other words, it's not what you know, but what you Know.

Lies

We are the lies we tell ourselves. So until we can actually tell the truth (from the lies), tell lies we wish were truth.

Creations

Just like we seek to go back to our Source, That which created us, so do our desires seek to go back to their source, aka us. So why do we keep running from them? Hiding from them? Show some compassion for your creations/desires and let them find you. Show up for your creations.

Creation

In the Now, you are creating your future.

Like

"like" me. On Facebook. Comment. Twitter. What is this "like" me phenomenon? All through K-12 and beyond I wanted to be liked. Now all I have to do is find a cool quote, link, cartoon, picture, or even actually write something from my own little self, put it up on the anonymous public format of facebook and wait for someone to "like" me. Then what? I feel acknowledged? Appreciated? A part of something? Whatever it is, I'm not invisible, even though nobody even needs to know my real name, age, or gender, much less my real opinions about anything. So am I really "liked"or is it my alter ego? And since we are asking the question, how is this any different from my pre-Facebook K-12 experience? The names have changed, but it's still the same. We want to be loved. Acknowledged. Feel like we a a part of something.

So it brings us back to the age-old issue of self-love. Do we love ourselves unconditionally no mastter what? Can we appreciate ourselves no matter what? Can we feel a part of our life experience no matter what? And can we just lighten up and live the life we are here to live without needing to be "liked?"

Good question. I'm waiting for an even better answer. Like...

Good friday

First, a disclaimer - I was raised catholic, so keep that in mind as I ponder and push the boundaries.

What's good about a Friday where you are whipped and hung on a cross? And in the worldview of jesus Christ, there was no good or bad, so already the name of the day seems flawed. Are we so self-centered (notice that it isn't the big S Self) that we say "good, someone died for our sins so we're off the hook?"

Or maybe Christ thought it was good because after this physical death he didn't have to stay focused on the physical plane?

Or maybe God thought it was good because it sees everything as perfec. Again the word "good" really doesn't reflect anything about divinity.

What about other options? Cross Friday? Crux Friday? Perfect Friday? Completion Friday? Thank God it's Friday? Hey, maybe that's what we're doing on Fridays as we cash in at happy hour. So as we raise our shot glass and say "TGIF" we're keeping that Easter vigil all year long?

Or maybe they couldn't think of anything else. Hmmmm.

Regardless, I'm appreciative of the unconditional love consciousness of the Christ consciousness which is not reserved for Christians. Unconditional love is out there. For everyone.

No good or bad. Friday.

Out in the world

Being generous. With. Our Selves. Then we can be truly. Generous. With all.

Dilated

When was the last time you had your eyes dilated (at the eye doctor)? It's intense how much more sensitive to light one gets. Just like when we open ourselves up to more consciousness- we get more sensitive to what's happening already, and thus, what's possible. Possible beyond what we thought before we were dilated.

Red sox

When you have red socks, the world is a bit more invigorating.

How my garden grows

Ever

I have the best life ever. Today was the 4th graduation class of the 200hr Sri Yoga Teacher Training. It's always a bittersweet moment when the fledglings leave the nest, but they are far from fledgling. They hit the ground running with their light. In the words of Steve Miller - fly like an eagle- but don't be limited to the eagle. Let the spirit carry... On hari tat sat.