Just because I'm good at it...

As I am now less than a month away from changing decades, I thought to myself as I got up this morning, July 4, what does it mean for me to be free? What do I want to be free from? What keeps me in prison? And although there are many answers and levels to those questions, the answer of the moment was around self-imposed oblilgation. 

One of the richest realizations that I had recieved a few months before we went to India, was that “just because I’m good at something, doesn’t mean I want to do it.” And as I applied this teaching to myself, I started seeing all the ways that I would feel obligated to do X, Y, Z just because I was good at it, and hey, "if you want something done right, do it yourself! "

Wow! Living from that place was a breeding ground for resentment, and let’s just say I popped out a few litters! I dove deeper into this idea, and began to gain awareness on how subtly and not so subtly this self imposed “obligation” was a bully, a tyrant, in the country of Jean. I had to let go of the need to having it “done right.”  Also the need of having it done “on time.” Also the need of having it done at all! I had to grow a big set of Patience and allow others to learn what was “easy” for me. I had to watch them not get it right all the time. And not get it done. And I had to learn how to communicate with them through the process. All this took a lot more time and energy than if I had just done it myself. 

Or did it?

What was the price I paid for always doing something just because I was good at it? Did these things come “naturally” or had I just had more time in on the project? And was it “easy” for me? Execution may have been easy, but living in the resentment/disappointment pond was NOT!  Living in the past and future was NOT! Feeling exhausted at the end of the day because I had put all these self-imposed obligations created in the past in front of living in my New Now in the present was NOT EASY! 

As I backed away and said NO to doing the things that were “easy” for me, things that I had a habit of doing "just because," I had to back away from resentment, disappointment and stress. And when these have had your back for awhile, it can feel kind of weird to not have them holding you up. But just like a butterfly emerges from self-created confinement, drying new wings in the sun can feel pretty great. Also, as those wings are drying, pre-flight, it’s a nice feeling to not know what’s coming next. I don’t have to be good at something to want to experience it. I don’t have to get good at something to enjoy it. I don’t have to get good at something and then be stuck doing it the rest of my life. 

So one of the things I’m freeing myself from is the self-imposed obligation of having to do things just because I’m good at them. At one time, doing some of those things felt good. It gave me a sense of peace and accomplishment. It gave me a container to grow and evolve. It gave me a sense of who I was. But that's who I WAS. And look in the mirror. It's a different face now. 

Freedom for me means choice. Choosing the what’s right for me. And being OK with not knowing what that is. Freedom to discover my Self in the present moment after all these years. Being OK with where I am, right here, right now. In other words, loving myself, just as I am, without condition. That’s freedom.